[Le Papillon]

M & D- lay off. seriously. i dont care if its the only way, i dont care wht your going through, because it doesnt mean you have to put us through shit. all you do is sleep all day and stay on the computer all night, and you, all you do is yell. theres always yelling. and we cant take this much longer. we just cant. shes lucky she can go off to college after next year. i dont have that luxgery. when she leaves, i know ill be full on the chopping block, forced to take it all. and while i want out of this, i cant just leave. i cant leave her alone with you two, and i cant leave my friends. theyre all i have left.

D- wi wish i could tell you about this, i really do. but i know i cant because it'll hurt you too much, and i know you wouldnt know how to take it. youve helped me with everything, everything but this, and i just cant let you know. i guess im too afraid of what youll think of me, and afraid of what youll do, how youll react. i know it'd tear you apart though, and im afraid of that too. i cant risk loosing you. if it wernt for you, id be a hellova lot worse then i am right now, so whos to say id even still be here?

N- i really miss you. i cant get you out of my head. at times it seems like its getting easier to deal with your loss, but then something happens and i feel all the guilt and pain all over. i know if you were here, youd say it wasnt my fault, and youd tell me i need to move on. but the thing is, i cant. ive lost most of my life the past year and a half, and i have no way to get it back. im even starting to loose your precious face. sometimes its hard to picture your laugh, the way your lips curled up into a bright smile, making your eyes light up in joyus wonder. i love you girl, and i need my life back. i need you.

E @ PB - i really really miss yall. and J, when R and i saw you this summer, we were so supprosed, and overjoyed to find that you were alright, and with just seeing you, even though we talked for a grand total of 4 minutes. seeing you gave me hope that all might not be lost, that things might work out after all. MT, thank you for all the help and support. without it, i know i wouldnt be as good as i am. i owe it all to you. K, i know you did your best at keeping it open. i know you tried your hardest. but ive learned at sometimes, even our best isnt enough. that was one of those times. so if you blame yourself, dont. it wasnt your fault. i hope your holding up okay. KC, i really miss your laugh too. your laugh always made me smile. it always seemed to bring good times, good memories. J, i really miss your renactments. they were always fun to watch, and made everything so funny. you too brightened up my days. and PJ, i really miss your likeness of me. we were almost alike, you and i. i loved how amused we all were with it. i miss that. i miss everyone. yes, even you D. you could b really annoying at times, but you were still fun. and you had talent. i never let it show, but i really looked up to your work, just like with MT's. i wish i told you before.

A- your tearing me apart with all of this. really. i try to stay away, but these past few weeks have been really tough. i cant forgive you for waht you did, at least not now. probably not for many years. but you suddenly taking notice, and even helping me, its really just messing me up. and somehow, it feels like your doing it on purpose. trying to make my life even more of a hell. i want to talk to you about it, or even AA, but i cant. and talking to J because of C is even hurting me. so is AA sitting with me on the transfer bus. i want to tell her so, but i cant. not only is it rude, but im also kinda clinging to that as a way to the past. and thats really hurting me.i dont know what to do about it. heck, i dont know what i should be doing. i guess ill just have to keep putting myself up to the chopping block until theres nothing left and i finaly learn that my lifes not going to majikly become like it was before. or i die. wichever happens first.

C- i like you. your a great friend, i can already tell. what youve already done for me, and what your doing now, thats huge. i cant ever repay you for that. so i guess ill just have to give you gum whenever you need it? haha, that is, if i have the money. jkjk, but seriously, i do owe you big time. and i have to admit it, i do miss you sitting next to me on the bus. it was nice. i dont think you like me, i mean, come on, who could? but even if you did, i dont know if i do you. i dont know if i can ever like anyone. or if i do, i dont think i can ever act on it, especialy not now. but if i were to, itd probably be with someone like you, who understands what its like and doesnt try to change that. so thank you. it means so much.