[BloodRedRose]

I'm not really sure were exactly this belongs as it has so many places it could be so forgive me if I've posted it in the wrong place please move it to were it belongs...

I'm four months pregnant and recently started thinking of old habbets.
About six months ago I cut for the last time. I got my mother out of my life she took grandma with her and moved to Georgia. My mom has been my biggest trigger for so long I started cutting when I was 18 and started because my mothers partner passed away and I had to be there for mom many times I couldn't cry or deal with nancy's passing one thing led to another I started poking myself with my name tag from work and this in time lead up to using a razor. I lost my grandpa two years ago and about six months maybe less I got back in contact with my dad. he has been working with me on quitting cutting and other problems I moved out of my grandmas house were at one point Nancy mom grandpa grandma and I all lived together mom has a drug problem and it got worse after Nancy passed when grandpa passed I started cutting a lot mom went to Georgia and grandma's electric got cut off. this is when we found out she had Alzheimer a year after grandpa passed. I called the electric company and found out the last bill that was paid was right before grandpa passed so I knew I couldn't pay that bill so I brought her to live with me. mom came back from Georgia and because she wanted a free ride and didn't want to help herself through out the summer she stayed in grandma's house with no electric. the winter came and I made the bad choice and brought my mother to live with me also. kept cutting off and on tho my dad was there for me and I had cut back on it. Mom got us kicked out of two places. the last one I littlery lost everything I had. because the cops had done an investigation on my mom and I was unable to remove my belongs. I cut the last time when this was all starting it was the worst I'd ever cut I still have deep scars from it and honestly I prob should have gone to the hospital but I was too afraid to go so my boyfriend and my friends stayed close to me like always kept an eye on me stopped me more then once from committing suicide. Dealt with a stoker who caused his fare share of problems because he wanted to come between my boyfriend and I. Stopped talking to my blood family and started depending on my true family (my dad is not my blood father) slowly things got better and I haven't thought of cutting. Until now that is.... there was a time when I used to dream about cutting and I'd wake up and find there was blood dried blood. As I said I'm four months pregnant and recently I've started dreaming about cutting again thankfully I have not woken up with any cuts and The day I found out I had my best friend James go through everything find all the razors (there was a time that I didn't know were they all were I'd hide them and not remember were they were until I needed one) and throw them all out I have this knife I carry when I go out because its not safe were I live plus it comes in handy for other things and normally I only use razors I don't like knives can't explain why I just don't so knives have always been fairly safe around me. I'm not sure why I want to start cutting again tho everything is going well I'm looking for an apartment with my boyfriend of six years and I'm usually happy yes I have my down moments and hormones mess with me sometimes but that's normal the difference between when I used to cut compared to now is that back then I couldn't cry I've learned how to and do now back when I cut every day I had stopped crying entirely for about three years cutting replaced that so I don't understand why I'm thinking about cutting again having to fight the erge to go get more razors and avoiding the store that carry's the brand I like the most (I don't know why but I'm very picky about what I use) I started dreaming again about it and that scares me because I used to cut in my sleep I thought I was passed this.. I thought this was over that I had beet this.. moved on when I got my mom out of my life things got so much better. so why am I all the sudden going back down this road? why can't I just be happy? my friends are my family now and have been there for me through all this.... I am about to start my own family start my own life... that's a good thing right? what if I start cutting again... I don't want to hurt this baby. I don't want to do anything that will cause harm to my child ever I only want the best I've started eating better taking the vitamins doing everything the Dr says but what if I start cutting again? I'm so scared I'm going to end up like my mother... and the funny thing is before she did drugs she used to cut too.. (I don't like to say someone is or was a cutter cutting is something we do not who we are) I'm crying again.... I know that is hormones but is it passable that the need to cut is also part of the hormones? what should I do? should I try to go back to counseling? will they even help me or will they say its all cause your prago? someone please help. I feel like I'm going crazy.