[jillianjayde]

You like being underweight because it gives you a feeling of power in your life. It seems like you are living in an environment where you feel like you are not allowed to express your feelings to your mother, and believe me, I know how that feels. By holding such tight control of your eating habits, you are able to control one small aspect of your life. Your Mother might not actually believe that there is no possible way you could be hurting, but is absolutely terrified of facing your problems because she doesn't know what she is supposed to do.

The fact that you state how much you love being underweight and the way it makes you feel is absolutely 100% proof that you HAVE serious food related issues and you need to seek help immediately. If your Mother won't listen to you, go to someone in your Church. Go to a counselor at your school. Go to the parent of a friend. Walk into a hospital and tell them you need help.

I had an eating disorder for ten years; it almost killed me twice. I lost pound after pound after pound but NEVER in ten years did I ever reach a place where I could look in the mirror and feel like I was good enough, thin enough, at a place where I could stop. I became completely desperate to go back to just having a normal life, being able to go out and be around friends and date and enjoy school. I lived in a world of terror and paranoia that someone was going to find out what I was doing to myself and make me stop.

Looking back, Christ, I wish someone HAD found out and forced me to get some help because I lost ten years of my life in the process.

Posting here is saying enough that you know this is bad for you and you DON'T REALLY want to go down this path, but you're conflicted. Be strong enough, and love yourself enough to get the help you need know before you end up in a place where you can't live without an addiction to self harm and unhappiness.

Jillian Jayde