[bitesize]

And it's stpid and horrible, because sometimes when i get like this i want to hurt you, which is completely unreasonable,because it's not like you've done anything to me at all. Saw my ex on the nitelink home and something could have happened maybe if I'd pushed for it, and I thought about it because I was depressed and some mindless sex would have been nice actually, just want sex and no effort for feelings, and then i remembered I couldnt cheat on you because i would never never do that, because you're you and you're so great. Then i kind of got annoyed cos i just wanted some crappy slutty sex and i couldnt really if it involved cheating on you. But i cant really be annoyed at you. Im scared to say i love ytou because im in this weird mood where letting you know i care about you makes me feel hurt, which is stupid, ths really doesnt make sense. like at the bus stop and stuff. i was acting annoyed at you and then ir ealised i was being bitchy because technically you;'d done nothing, i was being silly and pointless and i had to stop bein annoyed at you. especially for not having me back because i KNOW you cant, and im more annoyed at myself and at her for that, myself for not seeming more indifferent about it, because i wanted to, and her for bringing it up in the first place and making shit awkward and also for being so pretty. i feel so crap about that sometimes, other girls are just all so pretty and i look a state, i dont know how you want to be with me, and then i think well maybe you think youre just stuck with me and it depresses me horribly so cant think like that. ugh im such an emo, what an emo thingy to say bitesize. but seriously i really feel like that i really feel shit right now and i hate it. i hate it.
sometimes i wish you gave me more affection but its NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU its all me, its me and my shit and i hate it, why am i made like this??? why is my brain so fucked up?? i wish crying was easier but seriously, that would make me feel so pathetic, would match really because i kind of am, im upset for something that would basically upset no one else, my brain is just too fucked up to comprehend the concept of fucking perspective. im annoyeed about registry for college as well cos ud is so fucked up.

im so scared i wont be able to get up tomorrow im sort of depserately hopnig that when i go to sleep all the bad feelings will go away sepsh cos i have to stay in tomorrow evenning for babysitting so nothing schmad to look forward to really also the whole faking polite happiness, etc. kinda hope that when i wake up my brain will have forgotten to feel like this because if i wake up feeling like this i wont want to get out of bed and things will be awful, like that tuesday two weeks ago when things were literally impossible and i just couldnt get up cos of the crying. i dont know what to do im really scared bow i hate feeling like this and im so lonely, so fucking lonely. maybe im gonig back tot he doctor in a week so maybe i will talk to him about gonig abck on meds cos i cant really handle this, i keep thinking i can when its all grand but i cant when im down and its horrible like some sort of fucked up rollercoaster thig and i cant do this, i cnt copewith the feeling down feelings, theyre not worth the feeling up feelings. although when i think im up i feel theyre worth it and when im down i know theyre not. doint know what to do anymore. its so weak in ym ehad to admit i need help and to go on fucking artificial help like fucking meds but i just ugh, maybe i shoudl save hem til novemeber cos ims cared things will get really abd then but im scard of not seeing a way before out before then.its not that i need a way out i just need a WAY. i vcant deal with fucking insecurity anymore. i cant i cant i cant i ahte this i hate myself and i hate being in me and being me abndi hate having to feel like this shit jst because im fucking me and stuck in this. what did i do what did i ever do maybe i was awful in apast life or something because nobody deserves depression its the worst thing in the world, eveimng inclsuing English projects. never typed this drunk before im gpoing to ahev delete this in the morning although i dont know. really feell horrible and this is completely off topic for a soemthing bla thread so im going to have to bring it back, to my depression dear depression darling i cant stand you and i dont know why your here, please just go away because youre like a cloud a sticky cloud that wot go away. i need you to just fuck off because im not me while youre around. me is happy an i cant be me and normal and happy and i happy nice liked person if you're fucking taking voer my brain., it scares me you scare me becucause youre wful. just go go go i cant stand you. should really stop writ8ng and f fucking go sober up and bed but i just feel like im scared to go to bed cos if i wake up feeling this bad i font kno what to todo. i dont know. i really dont know. i just want someone to hug me and tell me its ok its all ok and that depression isnt a horrible guilty thing and that im not a bad person for having it. but i cant. just go. go go.