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Re: Cross Addiction -
May 26th 2010, 02:37 AM
Hey there,
Reading this reminded me so much of myself years ago. Three years ago I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I didn't see any reason why I wanted/needed to and when I tried to stop I would end up doing more dangerous things. In the end it took me reaching rock bottom to actually stop. I ended up cutting so deep that I would need stitches (This happened for a few months before I stopped).
One day I cut so bad that I thought I cut a vein or something because of the way that it bled. It didn't just bleed in a nice even flow it spurted out like a water fountain and it scared me shitless. That is when I knew that I needed to stop. I knew I could no longer rely on it and I knew that this addiction, this thing that I thought was keeping me alive was slowly going to kill me.
I ended up getting threatened with the mental hospital as well. I had been four times and was struggling with finishing my senior year. All of those events led to me realizing that I would never be able to move on with my life if I kept self harming like I was.
It was what I needed to stop. I ended up throwing my blades away and I was able to go 6 months without cutting. It felt great to be able to move my arms and legs without feeling pain. It felt great to not have to put my clothes on in a certain way so that I wouldn't 1) get blood on them 2) so that they wouldn't hurt my arms any worse. It felt great to not have to make sure that if someone bumped into me I didn't wince etc.
However, I will be honest, I still struggle with self harm and eating but the fact that I am able to see what lies ahead of me and to see that I don't want to rely on the self harm to get me through really helps.
I really don't think that there is anything we can say to make you stop but we can be here to offer support. I think you should look at the Alternatives to Self Harm. I know you have probably tried them before but to no avail but the best advice I can give you is to keep on with them. You may go 10, 20, 30, 40 or longer and end up cutting but using these alternatives at first will at least help your mind realize that there are other things available.
Another thing that I suggest is making a list of reasons why you don't want to self harm. Right now that list might seem insignificant but with time it will get bigger and it will seem more significant. I had a list and it had one thing on it. One thing that wasn't all the great and in reality the 'pros' to cutting seemed so much better and the list was bigger but with time it changed and now my reasons not to self harm far out weigh my reasons too.
I don't think that the reason you are struggling to do this is lack of motivation. I just think right now you are dealing with so much that stopping the self harm is proving impossible. But with time it can get better.
Keep talking to your therapist and work on the reasons behind your self harm and from there you might start to notice that your need to depend on the self harm goes away. It may take months for that to happen but it will happen. Keep talking and opening up about the underlying issues behind the self harm, what makes you want to self harm now, what caused you to self harm in the past etc and with time it will get better.
I hope this helped. I know it might not have been exactly what you wanted but it is the best advice I could give.
If you need anything feel free to pm me.
Jenna 
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