[BlueWolf]

I've been talking to my therapist about trying to stop cutting altogether, but even she seems to be at a loss with me. She says I have to make myself want to stop and we were talking about why it was bad. Yet, for me I find much more good in it than bad. It is a relief for me, and one that I am not yet willing to let go off. I am however, doing it less often and mostly only when I feel at my worst. It kinda wakes me up I suppose, a relief from when I'm wanting to kill myself. Anyways, when I try to stop, I'll use all sorts of ways to stop it. Maybe I'll read or something. The last time I went a month without cutting, I was also popping pills almost regularly. Not a dangerous amount, but more than enough. When I stopped, knowing that was worse, I went straight back to cutting again, and twice as bad. Whenever I stop, I go back to the pills. I've done other things that are just as harmful as well whenever I try to stop. The other alternatives just don't seem to be enough and I find myself looking to something just as harmful. My therapist said that it's a cross addiction. I've found myself knawing at my arms where I cut until I bleed, I'll scratch my skin raw and then pull at the wound to make it larger, I've also left a few bruises on myself in places that I knew I could cover. I think I'm getting over my head with this, and I need to control myself. Even my eating habits have gotten significantly worse. I would love some advice to keep myself from cutting without doing something else harmful in place of it. I need to find a reason from it. Maybe you have something that could help me that I have overlooked? What is your motivation for stopping?