[Moz135]

I've been overweight my entire life, and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I started having these thoughts. Even though I've always been big, I managed to lose weight through diet and exercise, and when I wasn't losing weight, I was maintaining my weight. Sometimes I would gain [edited by Cas*:Removing weight numbers] here or there, but I would eventually lose it.

A few weeks ago, my mother made fun of me for being big. I knew that she wasn't being malicious or anything, so I didn't take it negatively. A few days later, she told me that I was gaining weight around my middle, and ever since then, things have been going down hill.

I started thinking about making myself throw up whenever I ate, and I actually tried to one night after dinner. I wasn't able to and I felt horrible the rest of the night. I still do. I managed to avoid eating anything but fruit for a few days. Before I knew it, I was on a thinspiration website looking for ways to restrict my caloric intake and and ways to get rid of the food that I did eat. I didn't eat for a few days and when I had to eat, I was counting calories obsessively so that I could exercise them away. Whenever I eat lately, I feel terrible about it and wish that I had more self-control.

I've always felt like food controlled my life, and lately, I feel like this is the only way to have any semblance of control.

Even though I haven't put any of my thoughts into action, I'm still afraid that I might be in the early stages. I haven't been talking to anyone about these thoughts and feelings, because I'm afraid that they might write me off as being dramatic or stupid. I'm hoping that someone can give some idea of what to do. Should I try to work through this by myself, or should I go to someone?