[Ella.x]

Dad - Why haven't you ever accepted me? You make me feel like dirt and I don't know if you even realise it. I don't want your fucking money! I want a father who loves me. I want to be able to come and visit you and not feel depressed and even suidical within a few hours of being there. I appreciate that you give me money, but all I've ever wanted is for you to tell me you love me or that you're proud of me. How many parents nights did you go to when I was at school? 0. How many times did you come to see school plays that I was a part of? 0. I've only once asked you to come to watch a play at school - my GCSE drama rehearsal in front of parents. Mum couldn't come because she had just got out of hospital after having a kidney transplant. I asked if you would come becasue I wanted someone there to support me. I know I was only doing the lighting for it and I wasn't acting but it meant a lot to me. You didn't even try to make the effort, you just said no. Where were you when mum was in hospital all of those times? she had to get our old neighbour to come over and cook dinner for me and my brothers because obviously your children aren't important to you.

I honestly wish that I didn't have to stay in touch with you because every time I see you I'm hoping that you'll make me feel like I'm worth something, but you never do. I used to try so hard to please you, but now I've realised that there's no point.

I know I'm not the perfect daughter - I have pink hair and piercings and I don't respect you as much as most daughters would, but you have to understand that you lost my respect when you left us with nothing. You lived a 5 minute drive away from us and you never bothered to see us apart from the set times that Mum made you. I don't understand. What did we do wrong? I used to think you were amazing, you were my daddy and I was your little girl. But now it feels as though you never wanted me. I know you only wanted 2 kids and ended up with 4, but that's not my fault.

And now you're getting married. I'm glad that you're happy with Sue, but I wish you had've told me before you proposed to her, you just dumped it on me out of the blue. She's changed you. I don't like how she looks at me, it's as if I'm worthless, as if I'm just a joke.
I wish you knew how much you've hurt me Dad.

Simon - You were my first love, I'll never stop loving you. I wish you would sort things out with kat and stop telling me that you're still in love with me. It took me such a long time to get over you. I love you, but it wouldn't work out if we tried again. I would feel too guilty because I had sex with your best friend a few weeks after you broke up with me. I know I told you that nothing happened, but I wanted to preserve your friendship. I didn't want to be the cause of you losing your best friend. I'm so sorry. All I want to do is hold you and tell you that everything will be alright with your parents divorce, but that's no longer my place. I love you.

S - I don't even know if you remember what you did to me. I hope you do. It has screwed me up so much. I hope you feel guilty. I hope that every time you see me you hate yourself for what you did. I panic every time I have to see you at family gatherings. I wish I didn't have to pretend that we have a good sibling relationship. I want you out of my life, but that will never happen.

Alex - I really like you. I want to be with you. I'm scared of getting close to you though. I know I can trust you, but I still can't tell you about my past because I feel sick even thinking about it. I know I'm going to end up pushing you away and I'm sorry. I want you to be the one that breaks the cycle of my self-destruction. I want you to care and look after me. I'm sorry that I'm crazy. I'm sorry if I end up hurting you. You don't deserve it. I put up walls because I'm scared, not because I don't like you. Break past them? Save me from myself?