[Tilley]

You're too blinded by my rejection to believe that my love was real. But the truth is that I did, and even though I can't love you the same way I did then, I do love and value you and miss you. The only way I can explain what happened between us is this:

Things were perfect. I loved you, and you loved me. We fit together. You loving me, taught me to value myself more than I had ever done. It wasn't much, but it was enough to change me, change my lifestyle.

Then... there was trouble. I panicked, of course.
Because whenever there has been trouble in my life, I only ended up getting hurt.
You were going to hurt me. Sure, it was more about you wanting to die, but I couldn't imagine how much it would hurt. I'd just found you. Found myself. I didn't want to lose any of it. But I didn't want to be the one left behind, I didn't want that hurt.

So I pushed you away, out of my system. You came to your senses, told me you were ok, but I didn't know how to put things back in place. I was afraid. so, fucking afraid. In the space of two months, you'd turned my whole world around, and then, unexpectedly, upside down.

Then she died, and you left. And I had nothing. my love, my best friend, had both diappeared out of my life, and I couldn't bring either of you back. after that... it's all very two sided. I dont know enough or remember enough of those months to tell you why things are how they are now.

I just know this: The first time you txt me saying you were going to buy a suit, get a nice haircut, and OD, I told you, if you die, So will I. that stopped you. You didn't want me dead...

But then a few months later, you actually did it. you topped yourself. So what does that tell me?
Apart from the fact that I was minutes away from losing you forever, that it mostly my fault you wanted to die?
It told me that you no longer cared if I died or not.

And all of those things put together were... unbearable. I just dont have words for the rest. But if you think I got over you, moved on easily, you're wrong. You're so fucking wrong.