i have been an only child for 17 years, 2 years ago my mom had an affair with a man, left my dad then this man told my mom he wanted to be friends, she was obsessed (even though it was just a few nights of sex) so she acted as his friend then ruined this mans life with lies (made up a pretend girlfriend over internet and even bought another phone, pretended she died the day before he was meant to meet the fake woman, he went into depression) and he ended up going back to my mom and they are now living together (he doesnt know the lies and probably never will the stuff ive seen has psychologically scarred me). its all fucked up and i had to deal with it all on my own and yeah...
anyway...
she is pregnant with this mans baby because he wants a kid (he is 25 she is 38 =/)
she has psychological problems, beat me up from the age of about 4 years old til 14, she has caused me anxiety, low self-esteem and also is related to my anorexia.
my problem is, what if she treats this kid the same? I know im nearly 18 now its not my issue but as shit as she has treated me i cant help worry. Im also upset because ive never had a mom figure ive always looked after her breakdowns and sorted out her messes and taken the beatings and bullying. Now she gets a second chance to be a mother to a new kid. Is it selfish of me to already resent my half brother/sister for (if she dont go how she was with me) having the mom i never got? for never having to go through what i did? i didnt have a childhood, i had to take shit from her and look after my alcoholic dad. now this kid is going to come and if it works out okay, be treated like a princess/prince.
another thing that upsets me is everytime i look at this baby, im going to see the fucked up things my mom did with the fake death and the cheating on my dad and the way it broke me down and im going to think of all the things i had when i was a child, a constant reminder. its going to be born in july, the same month im born in.
i hope its a boy, i dont think im going to cope if its a girl.
my moms not mentally stable for a child, she couldnt cope with me, even if this time is different she still isnt going to cope. she wanted to commit suicide 3 days ago crying out loud!
im only just starting therapy and anti-depressants, what if this sends me over edge again?
please reply im really lost really fucking lost
also i dont know how my dads going to take it i dunno. i cant wait to go to uni, but then im going to be worrying about if this baby is being abused like i was i dunno. im so depressed.