[.KillCasino.]

Well, here I am again. I'm guessing you're sick of me, and to be honest I wouldn't blame you. It seems like all I'm doing is making enemies here. But you know, I just realised that you can't keep running. One day sooner or later the past will catch up with you, so you have to face it head on. I realise this now but still, I'm at my lowest.

People keep telling me to 'ask God for help'. He's not real in my eyes. Why does He cause so much pain and destruction. If He is real, then He is evil in my eyes. You can hate me for saying this, but its the truth. All He does is sits back and watches as his creation gets destroyed. Watches as the innocent die, and the others create havok on the streets. He watches as defenseless people die. Watches as Wars ravish the world. All illness and disease kills millions. How can people worship Him? How can people love him when all he does is bad? Thats my thoughts anyway...

There was one time I thought about believing in Him. I was lower than low itself. I was about to end it, but suddenly I found my bible that I was given in year 7. I began to read it, but then I broke down screaming. I prayed for His help. I prayed all night but He never answered. Never. God doesn't exist, and if He does the He hates me.

He hates me just like everyone else hates me...

People stare at me with that same disgusting look. I'm fat, ugly, pathetic. Oh, and did I forget to mention how fucking stupid I am?
I hate myself. I hate myself.
I tried to...I tried to get better, just wasn't meant for me. See?! See what I mean? I attempt to get better and I lose someone else!!!

Sorry to keep posting, I really am...but it helps me. It helps me more than anyone could imagine. I'm trapped, you know? Trapped in my own self-pity. I don't want to be, but when I try to get out of the hole I seem to fall further. Its like I'm drowning. Its like I'm suffocating. Its like, its like nothing you could imagine. I feel...I feel like its NEVER going to get better, and I know that I keep trying to tell the rest of you that things WILL get better, but I can't convince you because I can't even convince myself! Memories are etched in my mind, and I feel having a million flashbacks. They don't stop. I keep thinking that I should be dead. I should try again..but then I think of you guys and I don't think I can leave you behind, because you all mean so much to me. Literally, you guys are like my family. You care more than any of my real friends ever would...you guys are always here for me, no matter what. You don't realise how much this means to me. and yeah, I've just read through my whole thread and I realise that my thoughts have slightly changed since my first post. I mean, I think I'm beginning to realise that you guys maybe care a little...and maybe you might be hurt if I did anything stupid, and possibly you might miss me if I were to just...vanish? Hmm, yeah..anyway, back to the point. I've met some truly amazing people here, like Cody, Robin, Ian, Elliot, Marie, Jasmine and everyone else i've spoken to (which is a pretty long list) :]. I don't know what I would have done without you guys, seriously, and yeah I'm deep in thought right now, thinking is pretty dangerous for me but I'm past caring right now. Although I'm stuck in this trap right now, I'm beginning to feel happy...I'm beginning to feel...idk, content?
*sigh* I want to thank you all for being here for me, and I hope I can be there for you all one day...when you need it x