[xxpaigiexx]

I tried so hard to be honest with you. I really did but when it came down to it I thought why be totally honest unless the worst case senario does happen... you don't need unneccessary strain and upset you have enough to focus on right now and I know you are really trying with me.
I'm terrified that when I come out of hospital I won't have your support, I'm going to need someone other than family to lean on.
I need someone for emotional support, I'm enough of a wreck already. I just want to know you're not going to see the state I am in and run away and be scared by that. I've been honest with you and you've known for ages about my operation, I told you because I feel you need to know what you're getting yourself in for for the time being. There are going to be times when I'm weak and all I can do is lay and speak to you, I might even end up falling asleep while you're with me but I hope you can forgive me for it and be there, even if it is just to cuddle and let me know it's all going to be okay.
I don't want you to go on Friday, I know the time before my operation is precisous and I want to spend it with my friends and you. You always seem to be somewhere else and for once I need to be selfish. I know I told you I wanted you to go and have fun but what you don't realise is a precious hour or two here and there is a little bit less than I need. I need you there for a whole day instead of worrying about your social life. I know all your parties are important to you, but if you are as caring as I think you are you'll drop a couple just to spend time with me and cheer me up. You know how I feel about you and you're amazing, I just think sometimes you try and spread yourself too thin and try and be in too many places. Have you ever thought about calming it down? You complain about not having time to relax, it's because you're rarely at home and when you are you barely have a chance to unwind. I just want you to be here because you care not because you feel you should be or you feel guilty for not being there.
I need you to depend upon... otherwise I may aswell be on my own. There is going to come a time when I am really down and feeling weak and my boyfriend is going to be the only person to cheer me up. Yeah sure you'll text me or phone me but it's not the same as you actually being with me. Your mind will be in other places when you're texting me, you'll be doing something whilst I'm laying in bed.
I just need some support and need to know this is all going to be okay and you don't care about the outcome. I just need a little reasurance, most importantly reasurance from YOU.

You make out like we're best friends in the world but you barely know about what is going on with me right now. You know about everything coming up but you have no idea how I feel and I know you don't care.
Your mind is wapped... he is so in your head you can't see it. You was the last person I would ever expect to get like this over a guy. You are the kind of sad act who will purposely wait home for him to call, and it's all on his terms and at his convience. You have the front to tell me where I'm going wrong in my relationships and you need to see the way you're going wrong, you're staying with someone who buys your affections and treats you unfairly... and somehow you always seem to blame yourself. You need to stick to your guns and be a little bit more pro-active. He is treading all over you.
You're not the same person, you're so... I don't even know how to explain. You used to be bubbly, out going and always game for a laugh but you're becoming like him. He's only going to continue worming his way into your head more until he's through with you and seeing as we're 'bestest friends' I'll be expected to pick up the pieces again and I can't do that... sorry I can't. I can't pick up the pieces when you're not here to do the same when I'm feeling sad, alone or down.
You need to get a reality check. I'm exhausted to trying to make you see. Eventually when you do see, I won't be here.