[.KillCasino.]

So, umm, I just need to write and write and write because if I don’t then I’m going to fall into another one of my deep depressive states and then I’ll become trapped and I’ll spend the night planning on how I’m going to end it, which is something I refuse to do tonight. I refuse to spend my weekend being depressed. I want to be happy. I want to be so happy that I can’t get rid of that huge smile that’s gonna be stuck on my face :]

I want to write a story. I attempted one to keep myself busy. It was 157 something pages long, but then my laptop went dodgy and I had to format it…I never kept a copy of my story :[ I want to write a new one, but the only stories I can write are dark, depressing ones, which makes the point of this post pointless aha. So, anyway, I can’t believe that I’m still here actually. I never thought I’d make it this long, ever.

It’s my eighteenth soon. I say soon, it’s in April, aha. Random fact of the day, did you know that more people born in April are known to attempt suicide than anyone else. Also, people tend to attempt at 3am because that is the time when you feel at your lowest. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, umm my birthday! It falls on a Sunday :[ Bad times…however, it’s my friends 18th the day before on the Saturday so we’re going out :] Then at midnight I can legally buy my first drink haha.

I miss Nathan. He used to tell me that he would take me out for my eighteenth. He used to make all these plans, plans that no longer exist. Just like Will made those plans for my sixteen, and Dylan for my seventeenth…I haven’t had a happy birthday for a while, doesn’t look like I will this year either.

*stops to argue with the whole of chat*

Argh! I fucking hate everyone! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you… :’[ I’m sick…I wanted to get better today, I tried and tried and tried so hard. I spent hours clearing my mind and thinking things through, I really thought I made a slight bit of progress today but it turns out I haven’t.

I’m so fucking angry it’s unreal!