[Crescendo]

1.How would you describe your current sexuality?
Bisexual leaning towards lesbian. One of my sayings- "It's not what's in their pants. It's whats in their hearts. "

2.At what age did you first start questioning?
probably late in age 12 or early in age 13. The winter of 7th grade.

3.What events lead up to the point where you decided you where lesbian/gay/bi/trans?

Sorry in advance- this is going to be wicked long.

My first big crush was in fifth grade. I was gaga over this guy in my class. We would switch classes for math, and if i was sitting near the door during math class I would get crazy butterflies and feel like i was going to pass out anytime there were foot steps in the hall because I was afraid it would be my crush, and he would look in the little window in the door, and see me looking like a dork. being 11 I didn't really get the concept of dating- and would write in my little diary about how he would make a great husband, he so good with his little sister, he was smart blah blah blah. He ended up dating this girl i wasn't friends with and I was crushed. That summer I dated a guy who was my next door neighbor- half a year and a grade younger than me, who was like a brother. Neither of us were really into it. He would avoid kissing, and eventually i figured out he had cheated on me by kissing another girl (rolls eyes) and we had a sucky break up that pretty effectively killed our friendship. 6th grade started and I thought some guys were cute, but I wasn't really interested in anyone. I had this one female friend- and I don't remember how it started but there end up being this inside joke that we were married, and we would sometimes hold hands and stuff. I never thought twice about it- but we both ended up being bi, and later on we dated extremely briefly. I was always interested in human rights and started getting interested in gay rights in 7th grade, when the comment "That's so gay." seemed to be every other sentence coming out of my classmates mouths. I was friends with a libraian at my townships library, and she knew I wasn't straight before I did. She recommended all these books with gay characters- and I was reading the synopsis on the back of the books and she's like "Yeah, I think you'll really like those books... are you into that kind of thing?" And I still had NO idea I wasn't straight. But when I started reading the books something just clicked for me- and a female friend who I had been getting really close to- I realized I was attracted to her, and thought she was beautiful. I questioned in secret for about 6 months- the whole second half of seventh grade. Even though I live in a pretty liberal area, and my parents are not religious, I had read so many horror stories online about teens who came out to their parents and then were kicked out by their parents, or who were abused by their peers, that I was terrfied. I remember the first postsecret I ever sent in was about questioning my sexuality. (postsecret is this project where you annoymously send in a secret you have on a postcard to this guy who compiles some of them into books and on his website www.postsecret.com) I was so scared my parents would find it when i was working on it, i hid it in like an envelope in a book in the bottom of a drawer to make sure they didn't find it, lol. Finally at the very end of seventh grade I started asking questions to my friend who I was attracted to- testing the waters to see how she felt about gay people by bringing up news about gay rights. She ended up being the first person I came out to, although I didn't disclose that I was attracted to her at the time.

4.When was your first relationship with someone the same sex?
August between 7th and 8th grade. I ended up dating the first person I came out to! She was my first love.


5.How did you finally conclude/know that you where lesbian/gay/bi/trans?
During that summer between 7th and 8th grade I didn't see much of that girl who I first came out to and ended up dating. Two months went by from when I came out to her and when she admitted she had feelings for me, and I had thought I was over her and that maybe I was straight after all. Then she told me she had feelings for me, and my feelings for her came flooding back. She was my first real partner. My first love. There was no way to deny what it was.


5.When did you "come out"?
I came out in stages. In june of '06 i came out to my best friend/crush. in july of '06 i came out to three of my best friends (two of which were also good friends with my crush). August of '06 I thought i was over my crush and she was coming on vacation for a week with me and my family. the night before we left she admitted her feelings for me and my feelings came rushing back, and suddenly we were an us. By the end of the week we had hit second base, and I came out to my mom. In the weeks that followed I came out to my Dad, my closest Aunt & Uncle, and told my good friends we were together. My girlfriend and I had several classes together in eigth grade, and it was pretty amazing how much everyone matured over the summer. "That's so gay." was no longer the response to every other question. We started getting careless in school and hugging in the hallways. Classmates were getting suspicous. In the spring I took part in the day of silence, and my girlfriend was no longer attending my school, but was my date to the spring formal, where we made out on the dance floor. We were out and proud, and all my teachers/relatives/classmates knew.


6.How did your friends and family act when they heard? Did people treat you different?
I was pretty damn blessed with how supportive people were. My teachers and friends were completely supportive, my parents were in denial at first (My mom said that i had a special connection with my gf because we were both very smart and liked to read. LMAO. and my dad took a medical standpoint and was like " Many girls your age question their sexuality..." blah blah blah. but they were never upset or angry, and they came around. ) About the time I first got together with my gf, I first started in therapy and my therapist was a lesbian (I have absolutely NO gaydar- when I came out to her I was worried she was going to be uncomfortable!) Things got even better in high school. My school had had a GSA for a long time, and I was an active participant. After a gay pride event in a near by city I came into school decked out in tie-dye, a gay pride bandana, and some sort of gay pride temporary tattoo on my face- and the only comments I got at school were high fives and sincere compliments on my outfit. I go to a different Highschool now that does not have any after school activities so no GSA exsists- but its a small and very very liberal school- and although i'm not sure if my classmates know or not that I'm bi- I would have no problem raising my hand and stating my sexual orientation for the sake of making a point if the oppertunity presented itself in class.

7.Any tips for those who are still questioning?
Don't stess over the lable! You'll figure it out in time. The important part is being comfortable with who you are.

I was lucky to be very supported when I came out. Some people I know- including my first girlfriend- did not have that support. Her mom who was religious was pretty upset with her, and took her to a christian therapist, and once tucked a note into her lunch that said "Have fun rotting in hell. Love Mom" With a heart. If you can find a gay youth support group or a GSA that will protect your confidentiality- get involved! In the united states it's illegal to ban GSA's if other after school activites are allowed. It won't make you popular if you live in a conservative area to fight for your rights- but it could make a big difference to other teens in your area who are in the closet. That having been said, pick your battles wisely- remember that Homophobia and violence towards the LGBTQ community is very strong in certain communities. It may be in your best intrest to not come out until you are positive your family will be supportive or know you have a supportive place to live in case your home becomes too hostile of an environment. The internet is a great way to connect with other teens who have faced what you are going through. You're not alone!

Anyone struggling with LGBTQ issues are welcome to VM or PM me!



Megan