[xxCookiiexMonsterxx]

Im scared of losing you.. You mean more to me then you realise, and I think my fear is bigger then you realised, we're at this point.. length of time.. it always goes wrong now.. and any time from now on is just me waiting with baited breath for the time I do something and you've had enough. Had enough for the last time. You dont realise how happy I am that you've been getting close [understatement lol] with Ryan and how I thought of this as way that you could cope without me.. all these friends you have, you've become so popular.. it's amazing watching you change from the way you were, into someone fun-loving and confident enough to hold her own.. It scares me when I try and refuse to see you, because I dont want you to be the one to walk away from me, but it scares me that just maybe this'll be the time.. times up.. it'll all be over..

I miss you.. Ive always missed you, even though things werent always great between us I could never stop caring about you like I tried to fool myself into thinking I had..I know that things I said were unforgivable and I regret being dismissive in that email but I work in weird ways and dont seem able to control myself.. either way Im sorry, but I know saying that wont change anything anyway. I still wish things hadn't ended the way they did, I know it's wierd, but I still care..

Im scared my nan is going to die. This same fear, again and again.. everytime she goes into hospital, another scare, another time of hell for the family to deal with.. Someone else I care about to lose.. the only person who took me for me, however I was at the time. Scared of losing the only place I had left to feel safe.. But also scared for her suffering, she hates life, you can see it in her eyes, and she doesnt have a quality of life.. Things are so difficult.. I just wish I could take her hurting away from her.. Its someone else.. who's gonna be leaving me..