[kaytastrophie_xo]

I'm sorry for this post but my thoughts are racing and nothing is making sense. I really need to get some of this out and I would really appreciate anything anyone has to say...

I have been very depressed lately. Actually, I've been depressed for a long time. I was raped two years ago and it has taken a huge toll on my life. But honestly, when I think back, I believe I've been depressed since I was a child and I never understood why. But after I was raped my depression/mania (don't know which yet..) has gotten worse. And then a few days ago I snuck the brother of the guy who raped me over to my house and we had sex... It was the first time I have ever had sex willingly. The only other time was the rape... I wanted it this time. I finally had the choice and I finally felt like I had control. I don't regret it. But that is the problem. Why don't I regret it? Why do I care so much about this guy? Is it wrong? My parents tell my I'm fucked up for having anything to do with this guy. They say he's going to be just like his brother. But what if he's not? From what I've seen he's not. I know it's not normal to have sex with the brother of your rapist. I know I'm only 16 and I shouldn't be having sex anyways but when I was raped everything changed and for some reason I've been participating more and more in sexual behaviour. My mom found out what I did and so I'm in huge trouble.. And I'm having a really hard time dealing with this and not being able to talk to this guy. He means a lot to me, despite what my mother thinks and I really care about him. Once my mom confronted me about knowing what I did, I almost killed myself. I knew my whole life was about to get even worse and I knew I wouldn't be able to be with this guy anymore, ever. I'm going to see a therapist for the first time in two years on monday... I'm extremely nervous. I'm afraid I won't be able to open up. What if I don't know what to say? The last time I was seeing a therapist it didn't go well... And I'm not good at talking about my feelings to begin with. I just wish I didn't feel so miserable. I want things to feel better. But I don't see that happening... I stop feeling miserable when I'm with the guy I was with. But I'm not allowed to even talk to him. And I also have another friend that helps me through a lot but again I'm not allowed to hang out with him because my parents think I'm screwing around with him. It's just hard, I don't know how to deal and I don't know what to do anymore...