[Lil-x]

It's just the thought of eating, the actual food, I don't like my body that much but it's not about fat. I just don't think I deserve happiness and because I'm always upset I don't get hungry, you generally don't if your kind of depressed. I can't see a councellor for 2-3 weeks. Sorry but, it's just impossbile not to cut or anything for tha long. I need help before then. I'm not sure people actually realise how I'm feeling or how hard this is hitting me. I have looked at some of those alternatives on the SH board, but I just can't quit my cutting. It's so damn addictive. I just need to talk about it, but talking about those men and what they did to me is my worst trigger. That's what got me back on the cutting, putting about what happened in the Rape forum. But I just can't eat, and if I do, I just want to throw it up again, and that's exactly what I do. Just eating in general I think. I just feel like a bad person because I must have done something to deserve this. I feel guilty about it, because I tried so hard to get out of this before, and I did. Now I've gone back. Thanks for helping xx