[bitesize]

This is so hard to admit. I can't believe I'm writing out all this bullshit.


You screwed me up.
You screwed me up a lot more than I ever let on, to anybody, but it's affecting my relationship now. I'd never let you have the satisfaction of knowing how much you affected me, but I hate you for it.
I'm so insecure now in everything. My boyfriend tells me he loves me, and I'm scared of believing him. My rational side knows he does:the way he looks at me and the things he does are enough for me to know without him having to say anything. But after being with you last year and your lies and your cheating part of me is always wondering if he's not just saying that.
You hurt me. I hate saying it, but you did. You really, really hurt me. I know I fell for you further than I should have, but you blatantly lied and deceived me and threw it all back in my face.

I can't blame anyone else for what I did in December, but much of the reason that I did it was my utter insecurity and my feeling that I had to stay on top, stay ahead of the game so I couldn't be hurt.
I wouldn't have felt that way if you hadn't treated me the way you did. It's because of you that I felt I had to do it.

I'm so angry, at you but at myself for putting up with all of it, for letting myself fall for you so hard, for being so stupid and for just letting you get away with everyone. Being with you was just one constant mind game that went on for three months, and which I didn't even know at the time would badly screw me up. My whole view on relationships is twisted now because of you. I presume that everything I'm told is a lie ~ for the first two months I was convinced that he had cheated on me simply because we had been away from each other for two days. What the fuck??? I have such little confidence, such little faith and self-esteem because of the time I spent with you.

I am so, so glad we never slept together. I think the fact that you could never get it up was a sign that it wasn't supposed to happen between us. When I think of all the lies and the fact that all your friends knew what was going on... you know it took me so, so long to start trusting you. And I knew I never fully could, but I still let myself begin to fall for you. Maybe cheating on you with your best friend wasn't initially the best way to go about things, but at least it brought out the truth, at least it helped me see just exactly what was going on.

You're a horrible, horrible person. You're really sick and fucked up, you know that?¿ You make me so angry and there's nothing I can do about it, no one I can rant to, but you're just a disgusting excuse for a human. Yeah you've had problems in the past, I understand that you don't have much of a relationship with your mother, but that's no excuse to do what you do, no excuse to fuck with people for your own amusement.

And what's worst about you is that you put on this act, this really smarmy, sickening act, of being such a nice, polite, good person, when you're really not, you're one of the most fucked-up people I know.

I can't regret the time I spent with you, because it's done now and I suppose in ways it made me a little stronger, but I regret what you did to me. I regret how you fucked me up and how you've affected my relatinhip now. How could you do that?¿ I can't believe your cheating and your mind games and your general cuntedness has followed me into the happiest relationship I've ever been in, and screwed with it. I want to believe my boyfriend when he says I love you. I want to stop being so paranoid about everything he does. I want to be convinced that he'll never cheat on me because he actually DOES hate cheating, that's not just something he's saying to put me off the trail. See how you've messed with my mind?¿

Fuck you. FUCK you, and FUCK your twisted little fucked-up dick-driven-brain, and FUCK any kind of good relationship that you hope to have in the future, because you know that anyone who is actually low enough to treat people the way you have is definitely going to get a good comeuppance.

You're a cunt.