[Boxy]

You get to yell all you fucking want. You can accuse and point fingers and throw shit and blame anyone in the whole fucking world. I can't. Robert can't. We can't. It's my fucking birthday and all you can do is yell at everyone b/c you don't have money for this or you don't have money for that. Ever think that maybe if you just shut your fucking face and stopped yelling that everything would be just a little better?! I told you before and I'll say it again.. I don't need THINGS!!! I just want to feel like you care about someone but your fucking self! I told you I was just as mad at you at Robert is. You asked why and I said because you're yelling at him and I know what it's like to be on the other end of you fucking yelling all the god damn time. I'm sick of it, he's sick of it, everyone is fucking sick of all your god damned shit. You think you're the only one who's stressed out, you think you're the only one who has work to do, you think you're the only one who ever does anything! You're so fucking far the truth.
You have no idea what i've done for you. Because I don't tell you!!! When you were depressed and suicidal a few years ago, I missed school because I wanted to ride with you to the doctors so that I knew you wouldn't crash the fucking car into a pole. I knew you wanted to. You say that everything you do, you do for us? What a fucking shitty lie. If you did half of the shit you do, for us i'd be greatful.
You have no fucking idea how tired and exhausted I am of all of this fighting, anger, and frustration. I want to give up. I just want to fucking. give. up. I cut myself to deal with my anger... you have no idea what that's like! I don't take out my anger on other people like you do! So instead, I take it upon myself.
I'm like you in sooo many ways it's not even close to funny. It's not something i'm proud of. I wish being like my mom WAS something I could be proud of. But it's not. Everything I do, I have to think first.. is this something that's going to make me more like my mother? I can't stand the fact that i'm so much like you. I. Fucking. Hate. It.
Everyone knows how you yell, and throw you little shit fits. No one wants to come over here b/c they are all fucking afraid of you! No one likes you, and you wonder why? It's because you're an overbearing monster of a person who blames everyone but herself!
You say all I do is take take take? What exactly do I fucking take?! I take as little as fucking possible from you! And why? Because I know that you'll throw it all back in my face. You make sure that every little fucking miniscule thing goes recognized and that everyone around you feels guilty for taking something you offered up! Ever heard of simple satisfaction from doing a fucking good thing? Try to do something without expecting a fucking reward. I do. I don't ever fucking expect anything from you. I've learned not to. Because expecting anything but disappointment from you would only let my hopes down.
So, this is what I get for turning 17? This is what I get for making it through the first 17 years of my fucking pathetic life?! Happy fucking birthday.


Even posting this hasn't helped... i still feel like cutting and I still feel like just giving up.. my whole fucking head is about to explode!!!