[Em0bxy]

Yesterday while I was at school I cut my thighs and my arms with one of my old editedI found in my backpack. My thighs are so fucking sore. I slightly regret it but at the same time I lied to my school counselor about my safety level, I never told anyone about the cutting, and I'm leaving my outpatient program. I'm going to have to do it on my own and I'm terrified, especially since I relasped in my eating disorder as well so I feel like absolute dogshit. I got bullied on my first day back to school in two months being called fat and the boy said he thought I killed myself(I tried to twice -- he has to write me an apology letter now because the principal saw it over bus footage and there was a witness.). Am I too sick to be fixed...? I've been struggling for two years, and I see self-harm in my future. I don't see me quitting anytime soon. When my arms heal I'm only cutting my thighs so people can't see it as easily. My friend yesterday asked me if I made it to three days safe so I said "Maybe, or maybe not" because I didn't want to tell her. And then she tried to grab my arm in the middle of math class and see it and I pulled away, and she said "That's the only answer I needed". I'm terrified she's going to tell someone. I have urges every single day and yesterday on my check-in paper I filled in a 4 instead of a five on my safety level (which isn't that big of a deal, five is very safe, which I lied anyway) but I got called into the guidance counselors office about it which was annoying. I had to leave my favorite class earlier than normal just because the fucking bitch wanted to see about why I marked a four. Like dude if I marked when I was actually feeling I was going back to the hospital, and I'm not doing that again. Theres less than two months left to school, and I'm going to have to suffer during the summer from staying safe or else the chemicals in the pool could infect it. On another topic, a reason I self-harmed was because of my boyfriend. Yesterday he asked for one of my sweatshirts again(I said no) and he said "You don't know how easily I can make you break ash" like who the fuck says that when they love you!? And he wasn't paying attention to me at all on our call, he was only watching youtube, and I HAD to watch the video he sent me, he quite literally made me feel uncomfortable if I didn't, isn't that harassment? And he doesn't realize why I have to wear a flannel or sweatshirt right now. If the staff at my school saw my arms I would be going straight back to the emergency room, then I'd be discharged and have to give my blade up, which I am not doing again. Today I am only wearing a flannel to school so he cannot see my arms and he doesn't streal my sweatshirt, if he can't accept no, I'm getting a teacher involved, and if he tried to remove the flannel physically, we're breaking up. On the final note, my question really is, do you have any tips or tricks to the pain in the thighs from the pants rubbing against my cuts?