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Hey,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's definitely tough when you aren't listened to and when you're having a hard time.

I know you said you can't afford a therapist, but what about a guidance counselor at school? I met with one weekly for a while because it was free to see her. They would have to report suicidal, homicidal, or self injurious behavior to your parents, but sometimes it actually gives people a wake-up call when they hear that their child is struggling from someone else.

Here is a list of alternatives that you can use for self harm, suicidal thoughts, or homicidal thoughts. If one doesn't work for you, try not to get discouraged. There are tons on that list so you are bound to find at least a few that do work for you.

I would stop sending pictures/videos of your self harm to other people and ask your friends to do the same. That is more triggering to you all and encourages more serious behavior that can lead you to needing medical attention. Self harm is serious regardless of the depth/severity of it. Instead of making comparisons, maybe you and your friends can work on supporting each other.

Maybe you can try and find something else to watch instead of gore. Are there any TV shows or movies you are interested in? Try and find other types of media to fill your time. What about true crime shows that air on TV? They are less gory than the crime scene photos you may be looking at, but it may satisfy some of that urge. It may also help if you find ways to express yourself such as writing, art, or music, just so you get things out in a healthier way.

This is our reasons to live thread. Sometimes you have to live for the small things and let those build up, because they do make life worth living. Try and write one good thing about each day so you can look back and remind yourself it is not all bad.

It doesn't sound like you have a lot of support at home, but what about finding other adults in your life who may be supportive? This could be another family member, a friend's parents, a teacher, a religious leader, a club advisor/coach, or another adult.

I hope things start looking up for you soon.

Take care,
Dez