[Natural2]

I don’t know where to start, but I’m basically clueless as to what my problem is. I know that something definitely must be wrong with me because of my thoughts, my relationships to other people and my substance abuse but I don’t know what it is and it is driving me crazy. So to start, I just finished high school and am now visiting grade 11 at a vocational college in my hometown. Ever since I went there I had a feeling that everything was getting better, and it totally was, my environment is so much better than everything that happened at my own school and my grades are better than ever. But thats where it stops. I started smoking weed at 14, drinking and smoking at 13 and for a while nothing was really a problem. Now I’m 16 and my friends are mostly all same age. My whole friend group is abusing substances, all kinds of drugs, and many of them. Though not all my friends are heavily substance addicted and many only smoke weed and drink on a daily basis. I am so confused because many of my problems go into the same direction as those of my friends, but all my friends have a real reason, which is what I’m missing. One of my best friends got sexually abused as a child, another has an alcoholic mom, another ones mom died when he was a few years old and his dad was an alcoholic, and so many of my friends still get beaten or verbally abused. But I never had such problems. I had a comparably good childhood, my parents never really faced financial struggles, didn’t abuse me or anything really. I know that my consumption does not make things better for me, but it helps me deal with my feelings. But it also can’t be the cause because I started noticing that I was not “normal” in middle school. Looking back I really would say I was a weird kid. Since my parents found out about me cutting myself and smoking I argued with them lots of times. It’s not that they blame me for it, and they even understand that it helps me deal with myself. But I became more and more distanced from them and it hurts me to my core because all I want to do is make them proud, but all they do is worry about me. I hate myself and I don’t even know what or who I am. I have had violent suicidal and homicidal thought, though mostly suicidal in which I fantasize about brutally murdering myself with a edited or something in that direction. I have had so many “best friends” only for all to come crumbling down and me having to search new persons to become my “best friend” but they all leave after half a year, after I had the time of my life with them, and honestly I don’t know if it’s them who dont want to stay around, if it’s the circumstances and environment (like where I know them from) that’s separating me, or if I’m actually pushing away people and sabotaging my own relationships. And if that were true, I still wouldn’t know WHY. I started going to therapy every month but my therapist doesn’t really seem to understand me, and I also have trouble opening up to her. I have so many negative thoughts and I am completely clueless Why. And those are still not all of the things I think about almost an a daily basis. And somehow everyday it shifts between me not seeing an alternative to suicide, or me not acknowledging my problems at all because on that day I’m not feeling really bad.