[Soda_Voxel]

Since relapsing on the 1 year anniversary of being self harm clean, I've slowly fallen deeper into a self harm addiction. It's gotten to the point I'm self harming every other day, and I'll feel the strong urge to self harm over the most trivial matters, or want to self harm even if I don't "feel like it" or nothing triggered it.

I'm embarrassed with myself. I feel so pathetic and weak, both for self harming in the first place, and my perceived lack of 'severity' in my methods. I hate how paradoxical and nonsensical it is.

My self harm doesn't leave scars per se, rather dark marks that don't seem to go away but are pretty subtle unless you're looking. This is what gives me a bit of imposter syndrome; like I'm not really self harming, because I don't leave big scars or big wounds. Yet simultaneously even these tiny marks give me immense shame. My upper left thigh, even though barely anyone sees it, feels tainted now. I have to go out of my way to change in private and make sure I don't roll up my short leg too much.

When I first started self harming in this method, I would only give in to the urge about once every few months, if that. And I would tell my mum every single time, and get the appropriate help from her. After a particularly stressful conversation with her after one of these times, I vowed to myself I'd never self harm again, to avoid that stress and awkwardness. I managed to stay clean for a year despite many urges. But on the anniversary of being clean, I hurt myself again. I don't really know why. At that moment I didn't really feel the urge. But something about the one year mark just pushed me to get out my 'tools' and hurt myself again. Since then I've been hurting myself more and more and more often, and it seems so trivial now. I used to panic about the thought of having to or trying to hide it from my mom, but now it seems so easy. I literally plan my day around self harm. I will think about all the things I will do in the day and, if I get the urge during the day, I will tell myself that I will self harm in the night. On one occasion I even lay there in my bed trying to sleep, got triggered by a thought, and walked over to where my tools are and self harmed in the dark, half asleep, with my glasses off, then flopped back into bed like it was nothing.

If anyone reading this feels the urge to self harm, I know I can't just say "don't do it". I can't stop you from doing anything. But it really does become an addiction. You lose some of your autonomy. You'll feel the urge from the most random things, even from nothing, even sometimes when your day has gone amazingly. And no matter how 'mild' your methods of self injury are, once it becomes a habit, it consumes you.

I'm so ashamed of myself, because I have been to therapy and I know so many coping mechanisms to help myself get through this... but letting myself be washed away by the river of this urge is so much easier than trying to swim upstream, you know?