[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi! (this might be triggering for some people, I'm not sure, just so that's out there)

I was not quite sure what to call this. I am not exactly sure, but I think I want advice, and if I'm being spoilt and rude or it this is abusive, toxic, strict or normal. Kind of a mix of family issues, stress and anxiety, possible-but-not-tested innattentive ADHD and body-issue stuff. I don't know, I felt this was the best place to post it because it's mostly because of my family. Not that they're totally mean and evil, but... I kind of need to vent, and this seems like the best place to do it.

I'll start chronologically, because I want to talk about a lot. (Sorry about that.)
I remember when I was 8/9/10 years old, I went to the psychologist because my mom found that I had like zero energy and I could not get out of bed very easily. I'm homeschooled, and looking back at that incident it might have been burnout.. or not (we went on a holiday to the ocean soon after and I felt a bit better there, maybe it was the sun?? idk).
I tried to explain how I felt the best in words, but I totally suck at explaining things with words because I don't really know how to feel, and, well, I was 9. Anyway, the point is, I got asked questions about general stuff and about my family, and I told the psychologist that my mom shouts sometimes, more often than my father (my mother was the one homeschooling me, and I am than kful) and basically a few days later or something, we got to the conversation of what exactly I told the psychologist. I told them, and my mom got really mad and talked about me "throwing her under the bus". I understand that she works hard, but at that point I still didn't get why telling people that my mom shouts was a bad thing.
Truth was truth, I thought. I wish it was.

Next thing I want to talk about: when I was around 12, we went to a school admissions test or something, and there while I was being given a maths/iq test my mom was told to fill in some paperwork.
Later my mom told me that one of the questions was "how do you discipline your child" and she wrote simply "time-outs" and something else. I asked her why she didn't write that she hits us sometimes as well (I really didn't mean it badly or to insult her, I just wanted to know... man, I'm so fricking bad at understanding feelings) she got so angry and asked me if I wanted to be taken away to social services, because if she wrote that she was hitting me we would go there. I said no, but looking back, that's when I started wondering: "If we would go to social services if they knew she was hitting us, then... why?" I was so confused, but I didn't talk to anybody. She had never hit us that we bled or bruised (she either hits us, twists our ears or hits us with a thick wooden spo on) except once (context: there was a fight and she struck me across the face, explain later), but plenty of times we (me and my sister) had cried.

More recently, I have started to get more 'sensitive' (I don't know right terminology sorry about that), so I don't like physical touch at all, mostly. That means when my mother wants to hug me or kiss me on the cheek, I say no.
Once, when I was leaving for one of my outdoor extracurricular classes, my mom wanted to kiss me on the cheek, I kind of ducked away, but I will admit I should've politely said no thanks. I guess I was kinda rude.
But anyway, once I had arrived back from the class, I had completely forgotten about that incident, but my mom had that kind of look on her face, and this is kind of how the conversation went.
Mom: You never take kisses or hugs from me. It's becoming rude. Once or twice, I understand, but this is unnacceptable. You're doing this because your cousin did this (*note: I do not remember ever seeing my cousin not want a kiss or hug from her mother
Me: I don't remember my cousin ever doing this. Why do you think that?
Mom: It's obvious! Stop copying everything people do just because you think it's 'cool'.
Me: I don't think it's cool. I just think it's a bit uncomfortable, and I don't really want hugs or kisses for now. Why can't you see me as a person, and not just as your child and half a person?
Mom: You don't get it! There were people watching on the street (*note: If anyone was watching us, I was not aware. There was not a soul on the road then, according to me
(this kind of repeated for a bit)
Mom: go to your room.

Now, I feel so freaking trapped in my room. I love my room and I like to go there if I want to be alone, but being sent to your room just hits different. It changes from a sanctuary to a prison of hell. I'll admit what I did was not the smartest, but my anger got the better of me, so here: my mom kept telling me to go to my room, but I put on my shoes and went out the door for a walk. She was livid. I know what I did was wrong and irrisponsible, but I just felt so trapped with her. Plus, knowing how she could hurt me before, I didn't want to be stuck in the house with her.
So long story short I went for a walk and came back after like 10 minutes, and I arrived right when my mom was driving outside in her car to look. When she was outside she had a neutral look on her face, but when we got inside her face was all ice and no smile.
she told me to go to my room, which this time I did.
Fast forward a bit more, my dad got home from work and my mom explained the situation to him. he took it lightly, joking "good on your for going walking" my mom started getting angry and then literally from then to nightfall I could not breathe properly because I was weeping. My mom tryed to talk to me, but it all seemt so irrelevant.
I find my mom really controlling and nosy, and even though her punishments dont leave long-term impact. i told my mom if I can live somewhere else and that's when she struck me on the face, and it was minor but I bled a bit from my mouth and had a bump on my gums for a while.

Going to another topic: recently, my mom has started commenting on my body a real lot. Like, "you've put on weight havent you" or "youve got chunky thighs" or "be careful don't eat that youll put on weight" or "you're such a lazy grandma you don't do any excersise" and yes, I get that exersice is important, but I don't have any energy lately and I don't want my mother to comment on my body at all. I'm not overweight at all, my bmi is 19.2. But I've noticed that I've subconciously been taking lower portions of food and eating less, but noone else is noticing. Though I may be extremely far from it, am I developing an eating disorder? Right now, I really want to become skinny like my little sister (she gets body shamed a bit for being skinny) but I know that this is not healthy in the long run. Can anyone help, whether it's writing a letter to my mother or just helping me not be so conscious about my body?

Uh... thanks for reading. That's all for now.

Also, as a question: are we as teens (what's the minimum age?) allowed to create an account on here without our family's knowledge? (not that I want to be troublesome or sneaky but I feel like my parents would ignore the dont-read-your-childs-content-without-their-permission thing on the parent information site. plus, they're quite... nosy...)[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]