[Moxie.]

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through as a child and what you're going through now. I can only imagine how difficult it is to watch your sister choose to date someone who exhibits patterns similar to your father.

When people go through traumatic things or experience the impact of harmful behaviors, especially as children, they tend to go in one of two directions. Some choose to stay as far away from anything related to the trauma or behavior as possible. It sounds like this is what you've done. Others may feel a sense of familiarity regarding those behaviors, especially when they were initially exhibited by an authority figure when they were growing up. This might have something to do with who your sister has chosen to date. Even though your father also caused her pain with his drug use, the behaviors of an addict are something that she understands and, to a degree, may be associated with love, especially if there were times when your father was also extremely loving.

Unfortunately, there's no surefire way to stop your sister from dating this person. At the end of the day, who she chooses to date is up to her. However, you and your mother can continue to have conversations with her about it. When discussing it with her, do your best not to come across as accusatory or judgmental, as this may cause her to become more defensive and more determined to make her relationship work. Instead, try approaching the conversation from a place of love, making it clear that you have her best interest at heart. Share your concerns with her calmly and listen to what she has to say with an open mind. If you've noticed anything especially concerning, such as drug-induced behaviors that are reminiscent of your father, you can try bringing those up to her as well.

If she doesn't seem likely to change your mind, you and your mother may want to consider setting boundaries with her. These could include not bringing her boyfriend to family functions, limited contact with her, or anything else that is beneficial to the two of you regarding your own healing and comfort levels with the situation. Regardless of her choice, make sure you're there to support her if things do start going badly or become dangerous, as she will need your love and support most in those times.

Please feel free to respond to this thread or shoot me a PM if you want to talk about this some more. It's definitely a tough spot to be in, but I know you and your family will get through this!

Take care,
Sam