[Soda_Voxel]

I've been secretly in love with my best friend for a couple of years now. Over time, it has gotten worse because I know the feeling will never be reciprocated, due to multiple factors (especially since he is a gay man and I am a female). It's already been very tough, but I thought that just maybe I'd be able to get over it.

Then...he got a boyfriend.

I shouldn't be jealous. In fact, whenever I'd have a self-loathing breakdown I'd tell myself things like, "I hope he finds somebody better than me. Then he won't have to deal with me, he'd be better off without me. He needs someone who can treat him better than I can." but now it has actually happened, I am so, so miserable. It's stupid, because I already knew I had no chance. And I know I should be happy for him. And I am! He's always telling me how much he loves his boyfriend and how cute he is, etc. But yet that's exactly what hurts so badly. I have this crushing feeling that I'm not good enough for him, or anyone, seeing that somebody can make him feel so much happier than I can. My seperation anxiety and insecure attachment don't help this either. He talks less seemingly because he's spending more time with his boyfriend, which is understandable. But it hurts because I was his 'best friend' and the person he said he trusted the most and wanted to spend time with. It already hurt when he was talking about how much he loved all his other friends and when he's spending time with them - I know that's bad - and he's even much more closer with one of my other friends, who I introduced to him, than I was with the other original friend.

I am so embarassed. This is a child's petty behaviour over a stupid 'love' that made no sense and could never happen...and here I am, nineteen years old, in an absolute pit of despair because my love isn't returned, or, because some other people are making him happier than I ever could. It has just seemed to worsen my already extremely bad self hatred. It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone, to close off and go numb, and even hurt myself. I'm so pathetic. I feel like nobody will ever love me 'the most' whether that's friendship or romantic (even though im kind of scared of intimacy anyway) and it hurts so bad and makes me want to do unspeakable things