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Doing my best
Experienced TeenHelper
******
Name: Please call me Soda.
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Pronouns: She/her
Location: England
Posts: 608
Points: 13,512, Level: 16 |
Join Date: December 24th 2020
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Suicidal thoughts coming back -
March 4th 2024, 04:17 PM
This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.
TW: Suicidal ideation, depression, self harm, self hatred.
I haven't been extremely suicidal in a while, though I still have been depressed. But lately these thoughts have been coming back. A combination of my worsening anxiety and my constant depression and self hatred are contributing to this.
Anxiety makes me suicidal because I'd rather not be conscious than have to deal with all the stuff I'm worried about. I think of it like, "suicide would be one final stressor and then i'd be rid of them all". Depression and self hatred make me suicidal for obvious reasons. Similarly, I'm struggling a lot with internalised ableism as well.
I don't currently feel the urge to act on these thoughts. I do find myself fantasising and 'semi-planning'; losing myself in hypotheticals of when and where and how I would end my life if I were to do it. I do similar things with self harm, however the self harm is a much more active urge.
I am overwhelmed, stressed, angry, tired, sad, and self deprecating. This really sucks.
It's enough to live a live with love until we die
Autism, Depression, Anxiety
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