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Hey,

I'm sorry you have all of that going on! That is a lot of stress.

Do you think for work you would be able to sit down with a boss, manager, or HR and brainstorm ways to improve things? You can discuss workplace accommodations that might help you better complete your assigned duties. I get that getting evaluated for ADHD is super expensive and hard to access, at least in the US, so it's understandable if you're not able to get assessed right now. Your primary care doctor or therapist might be able to write a note to your job saying you need accommodations if your workplace requires a doctor's note.

Deaths in the family are also super hard to go through, especially three of them. Maybe you can find activities to do that honor your loved ones, such as doing a hobby they like, going to one of their favorite places, or even meditating on things out in nature. It's also great that you got out of the workplace environment where you were being bullied. If you want support about that, or your other loss, feel free to ask.

I sometimes use ice packs when I have the urge to cut. I have a migraine ice cap so it would provide ice to the back of my neck, my temples, my forehead, and my eyes. My therapist suggested using ice cubes instead so you can put them on the spot you want to self harm and hold them there and watch the ice melt on your skin. The cold is supposed to help provide your body with a "reset" when you're experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety. To get the same effect, some people dunk their heads in ice water or take a cold shower.

You're not pathetic for self harming though. I'm 27 and I still self harm, so you're not alone.