[TH Anonymous]

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Originally Posted by TH Anonymous

[SIZE="a"]Hi everyone,

So I'm in an iop for the next few weeks and I'm telling people who don't know my situation that I'm in a job training program or that I'm taking courses. I kind of told people that I left my previous job already so I'm not good at lying and feel uncomfortable with it so I end up doing it when it is very necessary to do so.

When I has left my job and was not in an iop, I had reached out to a previous employer whom I've kept in touch with and told her that I left. This is because I was under the impression that she cared about me as a person and alao I had asked her to be a resume reference again and just to give her a heads up that I'm searching for a job.

But then I started the iop and on my first day (she didn't know that), she texted me about needing coverage at her preschool program. In the text she stated the message in a way that made it seem that I'd be working with a particular teacher (whom I've felt successful with) and therefore at that particular campus (closer than the other campus). She also gave a certain start and end date. I moved back to my hometown city and I agreed to discuss it on the phone with her about logistics. I said I'm available Wednesday and Friday and perhaps I can travel on Thursday night and work on Friday and return on Sunday.
She ended up saying I'll be working at the other campus (with someone who is usually a teacher assistant which I don't feel comfortable with. I also have previously worked with her and she doesn't have good classroom management skills, neither do I)
She also originally said I'd be staying by the lady who I used to live with but then she said that the lady is having her sister's large family and so I will be staying with her daughter instead.
She also decided to include an additional Friday without asking me first and just said in the email that's what it was.

I told her I was under the impression I'd be working with that particular teacher and she said that wasn't what she needed but if I really want that she can try to work around it.

I feel like there are too many factors that changed from when I committed originally to helping out. And mimd you, I'm literally going to make a pretty big trip (2 hours on the coach bus each way and additional local traveling and arriving Thursday night after a long day at iop)

I am realizing now that I am not in a position to over-exert myself and I need to use assertive communication. I also need to figure out what I want and what I do not want. Also, I need to think of self-care and boundaries.

For example, I am thinking I will text her and say I cannot come in the 3rd Friday.

This situation is bringing me huge anxiety. I am afraid she would retaliate and our relationship would be at risk which means when I go back to job searching I might not be able to get a reference from her. She holds a lot of power and is somewhat of an authority figure (older woman, valued community member and is family-related to the people i am connected to, has social leverage, was one of my previous supervisors and is the supervisor of the teacher that I worked well with, has influence and reputation etc)

And given that my last job didn't work out, she is the supervisor of the job I had before this last one.

I am also feeling high stress from my people-pleasing habits. I have difficulty putting boundaries because I crave feeling needed and I translate it as a feeling loved. So when she says "youre such a lifesaver!" I feel good about myself and that I'm helpful which lately has been hard to get because I've been so much in crisis and I've been encouraged to slow down and focus on myself and not rush back into "normal life" because I'm still highly traumatized and I need to stabilize first and if I try to rush into getting a job or doing "normal adult things" I can burnout and it can end up counter-productive.
It is hard when there is pressure all around me, pretty much every neighbor, family member and friend who is unaware of what's been going on has been bombarding me with questions about my job search or pressuring me to get married or just overall treating me as if im a normal adult in normal circumstances and right now I have to retrain myself to see my situation as I'm in crisis and am in a treatment program and that is my priority over the pressure to do normal adulting things.

Any tips on how to figure out what my boundaries are and then muster the courage to to communicate assertively to her?[/size]

So an update: I texted her this morning saying that I forgot about a prior commitment I had and that I'm unable to come in on Thursday nights because of it. I am stressing out![/size]