[Soda_Voxel]

I hate how paradoxical self-harm is. It can make me feel like such a hypocrite. I'm terrified of pain, of damage, yet I also need to hurt myself... the brain really is strange. I tell other people to not do it, and yet I do it myself. I find myself being mad that I don't live home alone and that my family checks in on me so often, because I can't harm myself in the way I want to...but I guess it's a good thing I'm not given this opportunity to put myself in danger.

Last night I had a particularly bad mental breakdown and was hurting myself while laying in bed to sleep. Even though it hurt a lot and it was very uncomfortable, it did not hurt in the 'way' I wanted it to. It didn't satisfy the urge. When I was a child and I was upset, be it with myself or others, it felt easier to let things out: I would have tantrums, run away, scream and throw things. Now I know I need to be more responsible...so I take all these things and put them 'inwards'.

When I first self harmed using one particular method, at first I felt unbelievable anxiety and regret. I couldn't believe I had done it, I wish I'd gone back in time to stop myself. But then it was astounding how fast I got over that. In a mere two days or so I'd gotten over the regret, found myself accepting I'd done it, running my fingers over where I'd hurt myself and even wishing to do it again. And these days I occasionally wish that I'd never told my mother I hurt myself. It crushed me to see the sadness in her eyes.

Self-harm is such a strange thing to go through. I have been to therapy and I have countless tools I can use to better myself and my health. But sadness and pain is familiar, and comforting...