[Moxie.]

Hey Scout,

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all of this. I'm incredibly proud of you for finding the courage to end the relationship and I hope you're proud of yourself for that too.

I want to take a moment to remind you that nothing that happened in the relationship was your fault. Unfortunately, abusers have a way of gaslighting us (even if they never do it out loud) into thinking that we were somehow the cause of the way they treated us or that we should have done something differently to stop it. If you ever catch yourself having thoughts along those lines, please give yourself grace. Take a moment to remind yourself that guilt tripping you into sexual acts, making you his side piece, and being unkind to you are all flaws in HIS character. They are not a reflection of you at all. You simply did what you had to do to get through the situation until you could leave. That, in and of itself, is an incredibly brave act.

I'm going to share a piece of my own story in the hopes that it will help you in some capacity. I've been sexually assaulted multiple times in my life - I was 18 the first time it happened. When I was 19, I got into a relationship with a woman who turned out to be incredibly abusive...and I stayed in that relationship for 3 years because I couldn't see a way out. I'm 29 now and, although those things still sting if I let myself think about them for too long, I have found that I am starting to move on. It isn't easy, but it is possible. Knowing that I've had similar experiences, I hope you're able to find something useful to pull from the rest of this.

It's completely understandable that you're having a hard time trusting people and question whether or not you'll be able to have a healthy relationship in the future. What you went through was traumatic and events like that can definitely have a negative impact on the way we view others, whether or not they've given us a reason to see them that way. One of the best things about healing (in my opinion) is the fact that there is no set timeline for it. Try to avoid putting any pressure on yourself to be "over it" by a certain point in your life. It's okay to start with small things, such as trusting a friend or family member enough to open up about something else going on in your life or starting a conversation with someone new. As you allow yourself to start engaging in new experiences, you may find yourself starting to trust again little by little. Again, there is no set timeline for this to happen, so don't try to push yourself farther than you're ready to go. Every success is a victory.

In terms of moving on, there are a few things I'd like to suggest. The first is to let yourself feel your feelings, regardless of what they are. With that, find an outlet that is helpful for you whenever you are experiencing negative emotions. For instance, you might scream into a pillow when you're feeling angry or give yourself a self-care night when you're feeling sad. If there are people in your life that you feel comfortable enough reaching out to in those moments, do that! You don't have to tell them anything more than what you're comfortable with. You can even keep it as simple as "Hey, I'm having a hard time right now. I don't want tor talk about what's bothering me, but I would really appreciate some company/a distraction". Having people in your corner, whether they know the whole story or not, can be incredibly helpful. I'd also recommend taking some time to find yourself again. In the aftermath of abusive relationships, people can experience the feeling that they don't know who they are anymore or that the old version of themselves doesn't seem to "fit" anymore. If you're experiencing that, allow yourself the freedom to learn who the new version of Scout is and engage in activities to allow that person to flourish. Even if you're not having that experience, reminding yourself of the things that previously brought you joy and make you who you are can be so healing, as it reminds you of the good things in life.

In an effort not to make this response too long, I just want to remind you that you are incredibly strong. Healing takes time, but it WILL happen for you. We're all here to support you along the way, as well.

Please feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like to talk about this further or if you feel that talking about our shared experiences will be helpful for you.

Take care,
Sam