[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

It's definitely okay for you to ask help. You've come to the right place, that's what we're here for.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I'm glad you're around and I'm glad that family members have stopped you. Your family members care about you and would be devastated to see anything happen to you, and that's why they stopped you both times. Your family can be a reason to keep going. The people that are in the hospital wouldn't want you to take your life, and I don't think the family members who passed away would want you to either. If anything, you can use these family members to keep going, because you want to make them proud.

Maybe you can write a letter to the family members who have passed away. You can get out everything you would want to tell them if they were alive in this letter, or even "talk to" them through the letter. What you do with the letter after is up to you, but some ideas are keeping it, burning it, or tearing it up. It's just a way to get out your final thoughts to them in a healthy way, and it may help you to not have everything bottled up inside like that.

Are you able to do something nice for the people in the hospital? It might cheer you up a little bit knowing that you have helped them somehow. It's okay if you can't do much, even drawing them a picture or writing them a card can help. You can read them their favorite book or play their favorite music (not too loud) to lift their spirits a little bit.

Can you talk to these family members about what you are feeling? They know that you're going through something since they have caught you trying to take your life on two separate occasions, so it's not like it's a huge secret anymore. They probably already know some of what's going on as well since they're part of your family, and that may make it easier for them to open up to them since you won't have to explain every single thing to them. You can start with some of the smaller stressors if you want, but it really can help to talk it out.

It may also be useful to have a therapist to talk to about what is going on. They won't yell at you or judge you for feeling the way you do, and it might be helpful to have an outside opinion on things from someone who isn't as close to the situation as your family is. I'm not saying that your family is going to judge you, but there may be things that they get emotional about that a therapist wouldn't. They can give you the tools you need to solve the problems you are able to control, and also the skills necessary to cope with the things that are out of your control. While you can't solve every one of life's problems, it can help to have the resources you need to handle them a little bit better.

The times where I have attempted suicide or felt suicidal, I've had to go to the emergency room. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days, which isn't ideal, but it kept me safe. Everybody's hospital experience is different so I won't go into detail, but know it's an option if you ever need it, and there's no shame in it. Think of it as a few days where you're taking a break from everything that is going on outside the walls of the hospital. You're able to receive treatment to stabilize you before you get discharged. If you ever get to a point where you think you are at an immediate risk of attempting suicide, it's a good idea to seek help. Even if you don't go to the hospital, maybe you can spend time with some of your family members so they have a closer eye on you for a little while.

Try and find things to do when you start to feel really bad. Maybe make a playlist of your favorite songs you can listen to when you're feeling emotional. These can be relaxing to calm you, or maybe upbeat to lift your spirits a little bit. If there's a movie or TV show that you find comforting, watch a few episodes. You can take a walk or go for a run, even if it is just around the block. Maybe you can hold an ice cube, put an ice pack on your neck or forehead, or take a cold shower to give your body a "reset." I find this one really helps to bring my emotions from a level 10 down to a 6.

Your reasons for living can honestly be internal or external. Live because you want to see your family. Live because you have a goal that you want to complete. Live for watching the leaves fall in the autumn or the flowers blooming in the spring. The reasons you have for living don't have to be these huge, extravagant things. The small stuff counts just as much as the big stuff. Also find things to look forward to, such as traveling, going to a concert, or a new movie or video game being released. It can help to have something to keep going for.

I know you can do this!

Take care,
Dez