[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is not normal for a parent to hurt their child in this way, no matter whether the child is misbehaving or not. Even if you and your sister fought, neither of you deserved to be beaten and it doesn't make you a bad sibling. Most siblings fight at least occasionally, it's just how things are, and a good parent deals with that with communication and healthy consequences, not violence. Like you discovered, it is abuse, plain and simple.

I know you may not want to tell anyone because you don't want to be taken away, but you aren't safe where you are right now. Your sister was beaten to the point where she couldn't go to school for a week due to the marks. There's nothing stopping your mother from escalating further and doing something like that again, or even leaving one of you with more serious injuries like broken bones or even something that results in hospitalization. It's not safe for you to live like that, and neither you nor your sister deserve that. At least if someone knows about it, you can be brought someplace where you won't get beaten like that and won't have to live in fear. Your mother is using the fear of being taken away to stop you from reaching out, but also remember that you deserve people in your life that don't hurt you. A teacher, guidance counselor, coach, or doctor can be someone who helps get you to that place. I'd document anything she does, verbally or physically, as evidence, and keep pictures if it is safe to do so.

I know you said you and your sister have fought and hit each other in the past and still do fight sometimes, but do you get along generally? For example, is she someone you can talk to about what is happening if she is old enough to understand? I know you're three years apart, but perhaps both of you can provide comfort to one another when things get really bad. You both can talk to each other and help each other process what is going on. If you have nobody else, at least you have each other.

Would your mother allow you to do things to get you out of the house for a little while such as volunteering, doing an after school club or sport, going to the library by yourself to do homework or read, or participate in other community events? The reason I ask is because at least if you are doing something like that, you will be in a public space for a while where she can't hurt you and you can just get away. Additionally, doing an activity after school can give you something to at least look forward to.

You asked if it still counts as being suicidal if you know you wouldn't attempt it, and the answer is yes. There's something called being "passively suicidal," where you think things such as you wish you were dead, hope you die in your sleep or in an accident, or wish you were never born, but at the same time you don't have any plan or intent to actively harm yourself. It can still be serious and is something to keep an eye on. Do you think you'd be willing to make a list of reasons to keep living? They don't have to be big reasons. The reasons can be your four friends, living to enjoy your favorite snacks or play your favorite games, living because you have future goals (set some if you don't have them right now), because you get to experience your favorite season, or anything else you can think of. Also write down the good things that happen to you or things that have made you happy recently, because those are always good to remember.

You mentioned self harm as well, and I'm wondering if you have any outlets for what you're going through. For example, you can use creative expression like making music, making art, writing, or cooking and baking. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it's; just a way to find a release so you're not holding everything deep inside of you with no outlet.

This is a list of alternatives to self harm. There are a ton of them there! If one doesn't work for you, try out another and eventually you'll find one that works for you. My favorite alternative is known as the TIPP skill. The T stands for temperature, meaning you change your body's temperature. This is normally done through ice or cold. Some people stick their head in a bowl of ice water, take a cold shower, or put ice/ice packs on certain parts of their body such as their neck, forehead, or wrists. The I stands for intense exercise, so something like going for a run or doing jumping jacks. The first P is paced breathing, which means regulating how you are breathing and slowing your breathing down if you're breathing too quickly. There are different breathing exercises you can follow to achieve this. The final P is progressive muscle relaxation, which involves tensing and relaxing the different muscle groups one at a time. The "temperature" part is the part that really helps me. When I was in a group therapy setting the clinician also had me throw my self harm tools in the outside garbage because it was too gross for me to go digging around for them to get them back. If you think that would still be tempting, if you decide to get rid of your self harm tools maybe you can throw them out somewhere else. For example, wrap them up so nothing sharp is sticking out where someone else like a janitor changing garbage bags can get poked by accident and then throw them out at school or at a gas station so you can't just go and get them back.

You also said right now you feel like you don't want to get better and don't want to feel happy. I think a part of that is the whole saying, "there's comfort in the sadness" or "there's comfort in what you know." Right now, you're used to feeling depressed and not great in general. You're used to feeling suicidal, and you're used to using self harm as a way of coping. It's what you know, and there's comfort in sticking to what you know. Change is scary as hell! Work at trying to improve things anyway, even though you may not want to right away. Just take small steps to start out with, and build up from there. You might start to feel better once you start rewiring your brain a little bit and teach it that there's a better way of doing things.

I hope this helps a little. You're welcome to come back at any point. You don't have to deal with this alone!

Take care,
Dez