[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]ok so this will be long.......
since i was younger my mom would hit me as a punishment. not always ofc, only when shes mad and i actually did do soemthing wrong. i remember when my mom first hitted me (i was like 4 years old?) where it actually hurted, i was scared, scared that she will go to hell bc of it. i was young and didnt want to accept the fact that my mom is doing something wrong, so i told myself that its completely normal and how kids are supposed to be punished. my whole family is like that, so when i saw my cousins getting beaten up by their mom, it made me even believe more that its ok. my mom always told me never to tell it anyone, not even my classmates, teachers, closest friends, etc, bc if i do, i will get taken away from her and my other family members. she sometimes even showed me and my sister videos of kids getting taken away and she told me this is happening to them bc they told their teachers. ofc i didnt want that to happen to me so i never talked abt it. also my younger sibling, who im 3 years oler, also got beaten up. we both always fighted and hit eachother brutally, which i think is bc of my moms actions, we saw that she hits us when shes mad at us so we hit eachother when we were mad. and i have to admit, my sister got very brutally beaten up. i remember her beaten up face. just thinking of it makes me cry. im so sorry for her shes so young and had to go thru this shes so poor and small and weak why did my mom do that? why would she beat her child who is only attending primary school? and i feel so awful bc most of the times it was bc of me, i always picked fights with her and she got aggressive and then beaten up by my mom. im so sorry i feel like the worst older sibling ever she didnt deserve that. i remember when my mom once beated her up so bad that she didnt go to school for a whole fucking week. and she was only in primary school back then. she wasnt even 10. theres even more but i guess you can see a pixture how everything is like. so basically i still thought thats normal until i once got beaten up by mom again bc i didnt make my bed or didnt clean the kitchen i dont rly remember. i got bruises and scars over my body then.thats where i started to realise.this isnt right. why would i get beaten up so bad just because i did something so small? before, i would avoid any conversation, video or anything else about child abuse and think that those ppl are wrong and stupid and thats why their children apparently behave bad. well i finally stop running away from these and read an article abt child abuse etc. when i found out thats abuse i cried so bad. and thats how i started getting depression. it wasnt that bad before, like yk i could live with it, until summer break started (june) where it got worse and august was the worst, i couldnt stand up of my bed, would starve myself and cry every second minute. and then my dad would come in and say "oh my youre always on ur bed!!!!!!! ure never doing anything!!!!" and complaind lije that which didnt make anything better. it got so-what better a month after, like its still the same but i can stand up and eat atleast a meal in a day. i sometimes get a sudden wave of sadness and get like really depressed and suixidal, even when i was feeling ok before. i am pretty much suicidal i guess idk does it count as suixidal when i k ow i will never attempt it? bc i wont. its a sin in my religion and i dont want to commit that. another thing is my parents are sexist. i have an older brother (17yo) and im literally the one having to fold his underwear and put them in his closet, but he & my dad can ABSOLUTELY not see my sisters, moms or my underwear (according to my mother). me and my sister have to clean the house and shit while my brother has to do NOTHING, and when i say nothing i actually mean nothing. man, im the one folding his clothes and giving it to him! the same with my sister.she is 12 only and has to take sm responsibility. i feel so sorry for her from both of us shes been going thru more. we still both fight alot but dont ohysically hit eachother. and also something i wanted to say is, i dont want to feel better. i want to get really really bad depressed, get beaten up by my mom daily, sh severly and be really suicidal.i dont wanna be happy. i think its my mind & body trying to cope with pain with enjoying it......?
also before someone sais to tell someone abt it. i dont have an adult who i can trust bc im stil scared bc of what my mom told me when i was younger. second of all, all the adults in my whole family are like that. and i cant tell it a firned either, i only have 4 friends (whos my cousine) and one of them knows abt my depression & child abuse since their parent is also like that. i told her my depression is better which obvsly isnt i just dont wanna talk with her abt it thats why im here.

this is so long and im so sorry for that. for anyone who read all of that, thank u very muxh i really appreciate it. i probably will remember even more stuff to say haha but im leaving this like it is i already said lots of stuff.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]