[Everglow.]

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out about what you're going through. It takes a lot to not only acknowledge a problem, but to also share it and seek help. I think it's a really strong thing.

Dez made a really good point about the difference between thinking and acting. Some of the thoughts you have are clearly disturbing, for you as well. Violent thoughts aren't always a sign of a violent person though. You make a choice every single day not to go out and hurt somebody, which is a good thing. Recognising that the intrusive thoughts exist though is also good because it means you can potentially ask for help in figuring out where they come from and how to deal with them when they're there. Could this be something you could discuss with a doctor or therapist?

In terms of the addiction to porn/masturbation, it definitely sounds like you've had some health issues as a result. I would suggest that if you are in physical pain, your doctor is always the best option to make sure you can treat the discomfort.
You may be able to encourage yourself to reduce the amount of porn you watch, and frequency of masturbation, by setting yourself some goals. For example, you know you have been two days without watching porn before. Try not to see that as a small thing - any amount of time fighting the urge to act on an addiction is a success. Next, you try to get to three days - then when you get there, you try to get to four. Your goals can be smaller if they feel more manageable, such as by taking it by the hour if you're struggling particularly hard.

You may find that the TeenHelp 'Alternatives' page is useful in fighting some of the urges you have to go back into those behaviours. You said that before, you got too busy to fall back into old habits, so maybe you can find some hobbies or tasks which will distract your mind for a while. Again, take each urge a moment at a time, and don't feel like you can't celebrate even the small successes you have.

I agree with Dez that you don't sound lazy to me. I deal with the same feelings of not wanting to do anything just so that I'm not doing anything. When you're depressed, your motivation and energy are effected and that does lead to behaviours some would label 'lazy'. Don't be too hard on yourself for that. All of it is a sign that you're in a bad place right now, but maybe you can take small steps to be in control of that again. For me, I found that the '5 minute rule' comes in useful. This means that if a task takes 5 minutes or less, I try to do it right away, even if my brain doesn't want to. This means you can start to feel more productive, but in a manageable way.

I hope this helps a bit. If you ever feel like you're in crisis or might harm yourself, please don't suffer in silence. There are a range of hotlines you can contact if you feel unsafe, so please know that you can always turn to them too.

Take care.