[MisoSoupSymphonia]

My level of insecurity is actually insane. I can't function like a normal human being. I'm so ashamed of my interests so I never share them despite how much I'd love to. I'm so ashamed of my image I never wear things I would love to wear. I never put makeup on to feel pretty. I never put on clothes that are "my thing" because I don't want to be too "radical" with showing it off aesthetic-wise. (I think this is because that would make me look way more confident than I actually am. Think dressing full goth or very vibrant etc., that takes courage in my opinion. If I were to go out like that people would think I'm really confident meanwhile I run away the second a person who hands flyer comes my way.) I rarely go out shopping alone because I'm ashamed of buying things for myself (which is like the most basic thing ever by the way.). If I do go out by myself to eat, usually after school, I feel extremely uncomfortable about it because I have to sit by myself on a stone stairs thing where everyone sits in groups. I don't want to enter shops just to check things out because I feel like I look very awkward that way. I make it a huge deal about having to wait an extra hour or something for my train or ride because I'm so awkward just staying in the same place as other people makes me feel very inferior. I would never try new things unless someone guides me through it first. I stress so much when I get on public transport because I'm so insecure about my ability to think logically and I think I bought the wrong ticket and will get lost. I will never get on public transport I've never tried before unless someone shows me how to. I never attempt to explore the city so despite being there every day for 4 years I only know the quickest route from my school to the train station. And I'll be ashamed of not making it so I practically run there every single time (but I'm not running, just walking super fast while maintaining my composure to look cool because people would stare if I was running. I hold my breath too, not to make too much noise because of course I do. Not long ago I absolutely broke down in a train because I couldn't pay with my phone and someone paid for me and now it's going to haunt me forever). I'm ashamed of getting lost and choosing the wrong path so I have to fake getting a call or something just to turn back. I'm so awkward I don't say goodbye to the only 2 people I talk with at school, I just can't seem to spit it out afraid of who knows what. I'm really scared I wouldn't know how to deal with problems and new things, when I am out shopping I prefer to pay with physical money because I'm afraid my card won't work for some reason and I will stall the people behind me and all sorts of problems will arise. While on the topic of pleasing others, I always change in the toilet room because I'm ashamed of my body and I try to make it as fast as possible so I don't stall others (despite the fact many people go in there just to have talks). I do this with everything. Got my order wrong? Whatever, I won't make it a problem, I'm afraid to speak up anyway. I don't want to make people irritated. I give everything up without trying because I know I will never succeed. I'm afraid of dreaming big because I know someone like me doesn't have the ambition to achieve it. It's all just piling up and piling up into a lifetime full of worry and stress. Hell, I feel like I might as well die prematurely because of how stressed I am all the time. When I'm in public there is absolutely no place for me to just chill out. There's always something I'm worried about in the "insecurity" department.

I'm sorry for the negativity bomb here but I had to get it out. Doing all of this every single day is really taking a toll on me. I'm so exhausted about my constant stupid worries. Why can't I just be like everyone else who doesn't even notice these things? Can I ever live my life stress-free over this stuff?

It's like I'm always carrying a plate of worry and by the end of the day I have 10 spinning plates on sticks I'm holding with one finger. It doesn't take much to make me drop them (AKA break down). But once I'm home I can place them back into the drawer if you know what I mean. I seriously don't know what to do. It's like everyday I feel horribly naseous but just can't ever get it out.

Edit: It's so grown on me it's just become a part of me. I can't imagine myself not worrying about everything and not feeling so little. I wouldn't be able to recognize myself otherwise. For the better or not. Sometimes I also feel like I force this insecurity onto others by doing what I call "acting in a way to deliberately make others feel pity for you". I don't know how I do it but I feel like I do it all the time. And I don't know how to stop.