[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hello. I'm a male in my early teens. I want to talk about here some very concerning mental issues I have about control To start off with, I have had a porn addiction for a very long time. Years actually and still continuing. In the past porn has not had much of an effect on me mentally as much as it did physically (my penis was often sore, visably worn and I experienced painful ejaculation but it resolved itself as I started masturbating less). Those days I masturbated to pretty typical pornography, and eventually had to stop because ejaculating became so painful. I struggled severely with quitting, so badly my record time without porn was two days; not even joking. I became so depressed at that time, but eventually became more distracted with life that I only had time to masturbate to porn a few times a week. After that I mostly masturbated without porn, but after awhile (now) I went back to masturbating to porn 1-3 times a day. I have experienced no pain for a long time now, but a declining mental state. But now it gets really really bad. I started becoming so addicted to porn and so horny and always thinking about anything sexual, that things went overboard. I started masturbating to very extreme types of porn. Stuff like gay sex (I see myself as straight), lesbian sex, sex with animals (fictional), aliens, bugs, as well as rape; with absolutely no restraint or shame. This obviously has nothing to do with my sexuality, as I can not identify as literally everything, and I'm just REALLY excited all the time. But things from there changed horribly, and I soon started fantasising about abusing women, and sometimes men, and eventually straight up beating people, and masturbated to porn like that as well. And even worse I fantasised and ejaculated with thoughts of stabbing a woman to death and raping her, and also about gore. Even just little things in life is showing signs of something wrong. This is also accompanied by feelings of being lazy, unmotivated and depressed. For example, a pet wants to be fed, but I will yell at them for something stupid and unreasonable like they did something I didn't like recently. I will also refuse to do chores, with my excuse being "it depresses me", and then just lay down for hours doing nothing, refusing to do it. But why does being lazy make me depressed? I will lay down, having horrible thoughts for a long time, like "how can I manage these bad thoughts?" "how do I feel happy again" "why am I just so sad" and I always just want to cry. Its so painful. I have almost attempted suicide many times and have had many thoughts about it, with the two closest being trying to pressure myself to edited while sitting right near it, and searching up "how to edited". I am lying down and crying all the time from bad feelings, but I do it to be lazy?? But what disturbs me with that is that I DO feel real depression. Tonight I did another stupid thing. I sat in a chair, my brother who made dinner said he wanted to sit there. I refused to move from the chair. When I finally did I left dinner. I never let anyone be right about anything in an argument and I'm turning into an asshole. But my mind will not let me change...I think I need help... I'm very unstable in the head....[/size]