[Starseeker]

Hi everyone.

I've been with my boyfriend for 1,5 years, living together for over a year.
He's from a different country. We communicate in English.

I had been living in city A, he got a job in city B in my country in March 2022, so we moved in together there. Which means he moved to my country and I moved from city A to city B.
Soon after starting living together I knew this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to rumble that he does this and that wrong. I am the active one in the relationship, with initiative, ambition and the need for growth. He is the passive one, spending all his time playing video games. For this reason and various other ones I believe he does not have good influence on me.

During the period between March 2022 and March 2023 I actually was at the brink of breaking up with him a couple times. It always proved too difficult for me. In March 2023 we were supposed to move to city A - my hometown. We were looking for a new apartment. I thought that was a good moment to break up, and I actually told him I 'want to reconsider our relationship', but soon afterwards recalled my words, because the tension and negative emotions were unbearable for me.

In March 2023 we moved together to city A. We live in a new apartment. And I feel I'm fed up with him, but somehow I cannot bring myself to break up.

It probably sounds ridiculous - I am the one who wants to break up & I am the one who's saying the emotions are unbearable. But that's true. I'm super sensitive, and I cannot imagine telling him, moving out, cleaning all my things, and then suddenly having no contact whatsoever with the person I've been living with for over a year... all the while resisting his 'come on, you have said you want to break up a few times already and nothing ever came out of it, this feeling will pass again and we will be happy' or something...

We have an apartment rental contract that we cannot terminate earlier than September. So either I move out and pay my share until September, or wait until September. I don't know which option is better, neither actually makes sense. My boyfriend doesn't speak my language and I'm pretty sure that if he started looking for a new apartment, he would look for help with me or my family. Obviously I wouldn't want any contact with him to let myself heal, but at the same time I would feel like I'm leaving him alone. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I know he's an adult and he is responsible for himself. But this is logical thinking, and my soft heart can't bear it. It's not like I don't feel anything out of a sudden. I still care for him and his wellbeing is important to me, that's why it's all so hard. I guess if I didn't feel anything, I would just say goodbye and walk out...