[PlutoTheOpposum]

TW// S*icidal ideation, meds, hospitals, DE, etc

AGHH. I've fooled myself into thinking I'm getting better. But I don't know if I am. I'm still feeling how I was when I was sent off to the psych ward. I'm still having these extremes.
One day, I'll be actually HAPPY with my life. It's really hard to describe the feeling I have during that time. It's like...numb almost? But it's not numb. It's more like me being unable to identify what happy emotion I'm feeling. And I'll be so much more energetic, and really the only downside is that I'm a little more impulsive with certain things.
But then, I spiral back down into that pit of mine. I'll get really bad thoughts, some of which are really dangerous because I have a sort of lingering intent behind them. A lot of the time I just channel it into unhealthy coping mechanisms. Like during this dip I usually either stop eating, or eat WAYY too much. That's what's happening now. And obviously, I'm a lot more tired, no matter how much sleep I get.
It just feels like my meds aren't working. Everyone thinks they do. Hell, I thought they did. But I'm still having all these thoughts and habits, and it's been almost a year. I had the same problem with my last meds.
It's like, on one hand I want to TELL someone. I know I'm unpredictable right now. It's how I was last time I attempted. But on the other hand, if I do tell someone then they won't believe me. Or, if they do, they'll be mad that I lied to them about getting better.
And this is going to be shocking of me to say, but I WANT to go back to the hospital. Not for myself, but for my girlfriend. For my sisters. I know they care about me, but I know one thing could send me cascading over the edge. One night of me thinking too hard, or a few bad days in a row is all it takes. But I DO care about people. It's just my impulsiveness. And before you guys tell me about the things to work on impulsiveness---I've TRIED. I got sent home with a big folder talking about "think before you act!" and "Steps to stop impulsiveness!" but NONE of it has helped.
But then even SAYING I want to go to the hospital makes me feel attention-seeking. I feel like the only reason I should be going is for a failed attempt. As kind of a punishment, of sorts. Because I know my parents won't take well if I just up and said, "Yeaah, no. I lied about being all good. I might k*ms if I dont go to the hospital." (obviously not how I'd go about it) and ALL of the trust I'd have made with them would be gone.
I don't know. This is making me scared and upset. It's just so much. And I'm not sure it's just depression anymore, because I lied a LOT to the doctors. About everything. But I'M not a doctor, so I can't make that call.

Anyways, TL;DR- I've been having highs and lows and I might km*s if I don't get help, but I don't wanna look attention-seeking

Thank you if you read all this. Just me rambling I guess.