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Hey,

I don't think self harming makes you a bad person. Even though it is not healthy, it is a way a lot of people cope with the things going on in their lives. You said it feels as if everything has stopped, and that's definitely a reason a ton of people self harm. By posting here I can tell that you are making the effort to stop self harming though, and that's the important thing. Relapses do happen but they don't erase all of the progress you may have already made. Those days where you don't have the thoughts or are able to push them away are big. Take it one day at a time and be proud of the days where you don't self harm, but also don't be ashamed of yourself when you do slip up.

It can even help to reward yourself for the times where you don't self harm. "If I don't self harm for one week, I will get myself my favorite treat/play my favorite game/etc." But sometimes we even have to take it minute by minute. "I'll self harm in five minutes." Then five minutes come and you say it again, and so on. You keep pushing it off that way, and it means you only have to survive five minutes at a time.

I've heard of people using cold water or ice to help them kind of "reset" themselves. Some people jump into a cold shower but if that's not something you want to do you can also use ice packs on different parts of your body like your wrists, forehead, or neck to have the cold stimulus. It's supposed to be a shock to your body that stops you from thinking about it for a little while and gives it a reset.

There are also a ton more alternatives you can try here. Not all of them will work for every person, but play around with them a bit and see if you can find any that do work for you.

I understand you wanting to hide it from your family and friends. I do the same thing. It's scary to tell them what is going on. I tell my therapist instead because I know she won't yell at me or judge me for it. Is there any chance you would be able to get a therapist as well? They're super helpful because they're unbiased, and they've seen self harm before so they know what to do in that situation without yelling or getting upset. I bet as far as your family goes they'd rather know that you are safe than anything else. They may be scared if they don't understand self harm, but they'd probably rather have you come to them than continue to self harm.

Self harm is an addiction for sure, but it's possible to beat it. Like I said before, take it one day at a time, or even one minute at a time, and you'll get there.

Take care,
Dez