[PlutoTheOpposum]

Heeeey. I'm writing this kinda late at night. I haven't been on here much, mostly due to paranoia that somebody'll see these vents and send me to the hospital lol. But I wanted to vent a bit... this is *supposed* to be my safe space, and so I probably shouldn't feel ashamed to ramble and vent, but I kinda do lol.
Anyways, I've been trying to figure out stuff. The last few months, I've made a few realizations (i.e., that my constant "sadness" was really a mix of other emotions, that I really don't have a reason to be acting like this, etc.)
I remember before my last hospital visit, I repeatedly told myself I was a terrible person. My parents had said something along those lines, and I took it a different way than they had intended.
I feel as though I'm in a good spot. Me and my parents haven't argued *as much*, I have my own room, I'm on my way to getting my own phone, I have a gf, etc.
Yet, there's this nagging feeling. It's almost like l'appel du vide (call of the void... the little voice that tells you to do... certain things...when you're like standing above a ledge, or driving near traffic...)
I want to follow that call. Not because I don't want to be here (though, a part of me doesn't), but because I want to test my limits. It's hard to explain without sounding crazy, but I'm very sure I'm immortal, or at least somewhat immortal. I'm so sure of this that I would be willing to attempt it -again-. I mean, last time I attempted, NOTHING happened to me. And if I tried again, either I live (thus proving my point), or I don't.
It truly doesn't matter to me, as I feel so miniscule in the true scale of things. I feel like a god, yet I feel so small. Of course, this mindset of mine varies a bit. I'll go from thinking I'm a god, to thinking I'm a mistake. An anomaly.
I know this probably sounds like a delusion; I've been watching psychology videos, but it's something I realized I've kinda believed for a while. I don't know how to stop believing it, and I realize I literally have 0 regard for my physical wellbeing. This feeling of impulsiveness and wrecklessness is constantly there, whether I'm happy, sad, angry, disgusted, hyper, or whatever else it might be.
This probably seems like a total 180 from my previous posts, and I'm sorry about that. I've been trying to figure things out about myself, and I really only type what's on my mind in those exact moments.
I have 4, technically 3 plans. I feel as though I may act on them soon, though I'm not sure when. Whenever the feeling is strong enough, I suppose.

Does anyody know what this is called? My mindset, I mean.
Sorry for my incoherant ramblings...