[Rika]

Hello there!

I am sorry to hear that things are not working out right now. I am also glad to hear the methods of suicide are in your parents room, and also am glad you have a way to keep yourself safe. I get that right now it feels really terrible you cannot act on those urges, but you'll feel better knowing you were unable to act on it. I think you did well not acquiring any other means and decided not to act.

I understand that you are feeling fear of your parents hearing you talk to your therapist. I also wonder if you could perhaps switch to an in-person therapist as to feel safer in their office? Therapists should not be disclosing what they discuss with their clients unless you are planning to harm yourself or others.

I'd also consider positive things when you feel these urges. What have you done before to distract yourself? Maybe do that again or something different. Whenever I am angry I usually just turn on Spotify and listen to music. I also just walk away from the situation if I can.

I also would feel the same way if my parents started talking about me. Safety is the most important thing, remember this. I say if people are judging you or anything, forget them. You are going to take steps to feel safer, and it is good to hear this. I'd be happy and proud that you're doing this.

I too don't think you're faking this either. You're just going through a rough patch and you deserve to reach out to seek help and support.