[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well for you right now. I'm glad to hear that your methods of suicide are in your parents' room, because that means that you have reduced your means and have a way of keeping yourself safe. I know it feels terrible in the moment knowing you can't act on the urges, but you won't have anything to regret later when you come down from the urge. I know urge surfing is hard but I think you did a good job because you didn't try to acquire any other means and didn't act.

I understand the fear of your parents hearing you when you are talking with your therapist. Do you think your parents would let you switch to someone who is in-person, so that way you'd be safe in their office instead? The therapist shouldn't have to tell your parents what you talk about unless they think you are at risk of harming yourself or others.

I think it would help to find other things to do when you have strong emotions. It feels easier said than done sometimes, of course. But, it may help to think of other things to do. When you're angry, for example, go for a walk or sing along to your favorite music, maybe something that is faster so you can get some of the energy out. Even dance around in your room, you don't have to be good at it. When you're sad you can self-soothe with things like a soft blanket and a comfort show. Even small things count.

I know you don't want your parents talking about you, and I understand that because I'd feel the same. But remember that your safety is of the utmost importance. If other people judge, screw them. You'd be taking steps towards keeping yourself safe, and that's honestly a good thing. I'd be proud of you for doing it.

Also, for what it's worth, I don't think you're faking this at all. You're having a tough time and deserve to reach out for support or even just vent. I promise.

Dez