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Hey,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through!



This is a chart outlining some of the sexual behavior in children that is considered "normal" vs "not normal." I don't know where your behaviors fall on this chart because you can't describe graphic details, but it is possible that some of the way you acted could actually be considered normal based on this chart. The whole website where this chart can be found here. It does list some red flag behaviors like adults not being able to redirect your behavior or imitating acts seen by adults.

A lot of the information I am finding DOES talk about things like curiosity-type behaviors, though. I don't know if we can ever really get at a "why," especially for when you were 4-5, because you were so young. It's hard to really remember what happened at that age.

I'm talking in general here, but females CAN be abusers. I'm not saying that you specifically are an abuser, but I am saying that it can and does happen. It's not talked about as much or heard of as much, but it does happen.

I think the important thing is that you would not engage in these types of behaviors now. It seems as if you do have remorse for what you have done and that likely will prevent you from engaging in these types of behaviors as an older individual. Young children also don't have the impulse control that older teens and adults normally possess, so it's less likely that you would perpetrate anything because you can control and redirect your impulses.

Do you think your gender identity at all has a part in your life? I can't decide your gender identity for you of course, but maybe at one point you were questioning your gender identity and expressed/took it out in ways that weren't necessarily healthy.

I don't know if this helps at all but I just wanted to let you know that you are not a bad person. I know you can get through this!

Dez