[PlutoTheOpposum]

Wew okay the title is bad. I don't know how to explain it. My brain does a little thing where it like, makes a plan and saves it for later. Like, if times get real bad I know where to go. I don't know why I do this other than being mentally ill ahh. It's not like I'll ever act on it, at least I don't think I will.
Idk, the reasonable part of me is saying I need to go back to being inpatient, but then like the other part of me says;

1) if I go inpatient, they'll look through all my history. (They'll find my posts on here. They'll find my drawings. They'll find my blade.)
2) If I go inpatient, it'll feel like a fail. It'll feel like i'm a coward and am running away from my battles. Idk that's just how I see it.
3) I'm not mentally ill enough
4) The hospital is SCARY. I've been there twice. My stomach hurts just talking about it. But I know there is almost no way to do anything bad there.
5) I don't think I'm mentally prepared to deal with any sort of conflict, including my parents' reactions.
6) School

If you're feeling like you need to go inpatient by all means do it. This is just the reasoning my goldfish cracker brain comes up with. Idk I seriously have a way to do it and I feel like I'm one panic attack/mental breakdown away. also really anxious, I have no devices so I'm typing this on my school chromebook.
advice is appreciated. ty.