[Starseeker]

Hi all.

My boyfriend has a friend from my country, let's call him X (my boyfriend is from a different country and we communicate in English. He doesn't know my and X's language). I don't know X in real life, but I had one huge "argument" through social media with him at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, because X attacked me based on wrong assumptions about my relation with my gay best friend. I blocked X then because I didn't have time nor nerves for his bullshit and haven't had any contact with him since, but my boyfriend plays video games with him on a regular basis.

Yesterday I was playing on my bf's laptop when he was away and I suddenly had the impulse to read his conversation with X. I wanted to know if they had texted about me. I know it was a wrong thing to do, reading someone's private chat.

There were many things about me that hurt, for example my boyfriend saying that I'm very spoiled and that my mother does everything for me. However, the worst thing I found out was that my boyfriend had taken pictures of my diary a couple months ago and sent them to X and asked for a translation.

I confronted my boyfriend about this. He apologised and said that he wanted to know what I was writing in my diary, because he couldn't understand me. I admit that my behaviour had been irrational quite often at that time, because I had strong depressive episodes. Still, my diary is my haven, a safe place where I write my deepest thoughts. Never has my privacy been violated this way before. Opening my diary is horrible enough, but the knowledge that he sent it to X to read gives me pain that almost feels physical.

Do you have any ideas how to release these emotions? I don't want to contain them in my body. My stomach already hurt because of this situation yesterday. I feel like a deflated balloon.
xx S