[Proud90sKid]

I quit active alcoholism in August 2020 and benzodiazepines in January 2021. However, since then I have found it hard to remain completely sober from those substances. Every once in a while, I will offer myself a drink. Every few weeks I take a benzo recreationally, but I have not become addicted again. The reason is that I know that I can use sporadically without becoming dependent. A single benzo use won't make me dependent. However, I almost became dependent again a few weeks ago getting pressed pills(with some no-name RC benzo) on the street and was taking them several times a week and starting to get rebound symptoms like dissociation, difficulty thinking, and feeling incredibly anxious for literally no reason on the days I'd go without. Around the same time a coworker had a seizure from benzo withdrawal off the same pills and I took that as a sign that I should quit taking them.

I have found that alcohol in particular is not what I remember. I think I may have even developed a physical intolerance to it because I cannot even have one drink without feeling hungover literally immediately. I started to feel hungover even while in the process of drinking and on small amounts. I used to drink 12 beers everyday to very little to no hangover. It is so bad that I am starting to have a conditioned aversion to alcohol. Even the sight of alcohol now usually makes me nauseas. I can almost feel the headache just from looking at a bottle of wine. Because that is how it makes me feel now, the high is suddenly very mild compared to the sick. And now the sick usually comes at the same time as the high rather than starting the next day. Sometimes I am sick with a hangover for more than one day after drinking. It was one of the biggest reasons I quit alcoholism. Somewhere between fall 2018 and summer 2020, my body stopped letting me process it. My reactions are now almost on par with people I know who have genetic alcohol intolerance from being of asian descent. My nose gets completely stuffed with mucous the morning after drinking. I remember back in the day some occasions where people at the bar asked me if I was ok because I was having obvious feverish chills and shivering from some sort of new physical intolerance to alcohol.



I hope I never fall back into it, espescially benzo dependency because that was long painful process to get off of. I hope I never have to rely on 12 step programs. A lot of people in AA say they could get sober by themselves but can't stay sober without the program. I think that it is true that motivation to remain sober can diminish when you have been better for a while and the memories of being constantly "sick and tired" start to fade or start to feel less relevant to one's current life. Without my new intolerance to alcohol, I think it would be hard for me to stay sober indefinitely.