[Everglow.]

Hey there,

It definitely sounds like you're struggling right now and I am sorry to hear you're dealing with this. I think when you're not in a good head space it's easy to get fixated or find comfort in things which aren't helpful. Perhaps it's familiar as it resonates with how you feel right now. Obviously watching suicide videos is not a good way to cope with how you feel, especially if it's making the negative feelings you have stronger. It is good that you've realised that it doesn't help though, so you can work on figuring out what distractions you can fall back on instead.

Have a look through the Alternatives section to see if anything there may be of use. I've found this really helpful in the past. I'm the kind of person to be sucked into an anxiety rabbit hole, and sometimes even just reading the list to try and find an alternative is enough to break a harmful cycle. But trying some of these out might help you build up a toolbox of go-to distractions when you're struggling.

Sometimes there isn't really a clear trigger for bad patches, and that can be scary if you can't directly tackle what caused it. But that doesn't mean that what you're dealing with isn't valid and doesn't matter. Do you have anybody you can talk to about this? Perhaps chatting to somebody can help you figure out if there is a root cause, and then you can work on how to avoid triggers like this in the future, or how to overcome them to an extent. If you can't/dont feel you can talk to somebody, then maybe writing or drawing can help instead. This is sometimes a really good way to organise your thoughts and feelings, unload them, and understand them more. You could write a story, a diary, or even a song if you like, or scribble, sketch or doodle. Art is really helpful.

Please know that, as scary as this feels, things can and do get better. I understand that it's hard, but you are strong and have gotten through bad days before. Take everything as it comes and remember to be kind to yourself. Part of self care is knowing that you're not okay and accepting that this is fine. You've got this, and I hope you're staying safe.