[Nikkkkki]

I really need to vent so ill just post it here

I have really really bad anxiety, so making friends is incredibly difficult. Despite this, last year i got two of the bestest friends ever. They were my first friends in a while and i was so happy. One of the friends became my truly best friend, while the other i started dating. Recently my then girlfriend broke up with me. The breakup didnt even surprise me because i honestly saw it coming. The last month of our relationship she just started being very mean and was tired of me.
After the breakup she said that we can stay friends. This friend thing was horrible. She ignored me one day, was nice the next, super mean the next, and then nice again. I couldnt take it anymore so i got mad at her and told her to be nice to me. We got into a fight and she started telling my best friend what a horrible person i am and all the bad things i did ( all lies btw) my bff got mad at me and said he wont be friends with me anymore. I was devastated. The next day i asked him if he could give me another chance. He said he will think about it. His thinking went on for two weeks. He sometimes sent me memes or told me something but ignored me if i texted him anything. Eventualy i couldnt take it anymore. The feeling of him and my ex (its still the same as before with her) being in total control of the relationship was really taking a toll on my mental health. I was so exhausted. So i told my friend that he needs to make a decision now. And his decision was that he hates me. And i tild my ex we cant talk anymore. Both of them didnt seem to bothered about loosing me. But i am very upset. I feel so lonely and dont know ehat to do. I dont know if i did the wrong thing. I dont even know if i was as good of a person that i think i am. As far as i know i might be just as bad as them.
But yeah. This was just a rant to get things out of my head. Hopefully someone had similair experiences and can share what they did.
And sorry for the horrible grammar im writing this with tears in my eyes