[PlutoTheOpposum]

TW (s*icide)

Things have just been getting worsse and worse. First it was me relapsing, then it was my older sister venting to me and me not knowing how to help, then it was my older sister telling me my parents have been fighting more, and THEN it was all the arguments me and my parents have gotten into, to name a few.

My parents are going to take me out of a school I really wanted to go to, and my little sister is going to be sharing a room with me. I'm dreading it. I'm basically never going to be alone "until" I'm 18.

"Oh you're only 13 you dont know any real struggles"
"others have it worse"
"stop acting out"

Along with that, my parents just left my meds out in the open within my reach. It feels like they're testing me. Like they don't think I have the balls to do it. They won't believe me until it's too late.

I almost did it last night, and the only reason I didn't do it was because 1) my mom was still up, and 2) I was too tired to get up at 4 (when I assumed my parents would be asleep)

I genuinely don't know if I'll make it past 15. I always say that I wanna go to college and get a good job, but the truth is I don't even know if I'm going to survive past highschool. This feeling is so recurring, it's like an impulse.

I don't want to end up in the hospital again, because then everybody's just going to talk crap about me again. Like how I'm doing all this for attention. How I'm faking this. But nobody in real life knows how close I've been.

I don't know what to do.
Something's wrong with me I feel beyond just regular depression.
It's just like a parasite, a voice telling me what to do. And the worst part is is that I don't know if I want to get rid of it.
I just wish I hadn't told my therapist I feel sad all the time because the truth is, I'm really bad at telling my emotions. I'm mad, frustrated, tired, (dont know the word forthis but just kinda there), weirdly happy for short periods of time, and sometimes sad. It's mostly frustrated and tired.


maybe this is just puberty. just "hormones bouncing around in my little brain". Just me being overdramatic. But I don't know how to get it through my parents' heads that i'm not faking this.

thanks for reading..if you have any advice please let me know.